A MR. WRONG After-School Special, Part Two


A MR. WRONG After-School Special, Part Two
Lord's Prayer written in Syriac. Via Wikipedia.

MR WRONG: Forgive Them Father, For I Know Exactly What They Done (Part Two of a Two-Part MR. WRONG)

NOTE FROM THE COLUMNIST: I wrote a really long column so I broke it into two not-long columns! It’s a miracle! Continued from last week! Always Be Columning!

THERE’S ANOTHER THING I remember about my Catholic grade-school religious education besides that a guy who played Jesus was also a Captain on Star Trek, and I’m not sure if this was specifically part of the Catholic Religion stuff, but we had to read this book called Death Be Not Proud, a true story about this child who had a deadly brain tumor. I’ll let Wikipedia handle the [SPOILER ALERT]:

Chapter 1 begins with Johnny's diagnosis with a brain tumor in the spring of 1946. It describes the first operation that Johnny underwent, at the Neurological Institute of New York. The surgery confirmed the existence of the tumor. One of his doctors, Tracy Putnam, said, "It was about the size of an orange. I got half of it." Johnny recovered from the surgery, while the nature of the tumor was assessed: it was described as an "astroblastoma undergoing transformation".

Chapter 4 begins with Johnny's apparent recovery, and then, starting in late February, his decline. He began having episodes of amnesia and shivering. Through March and April, he continued studying in an effort to graduate and be admitted to Harvard University for the fall. The bump on Johnny's skull, caused by the tumor, began growing, and Dr. Mount attempted to drain it of fluid. However, the bump was "like stone again, and Mount had scarcely been able to drain a drop."

On May 1, 1947, Johnny underwent another major operation. Dr. Mount reported that "the mass was even invading his scalp and that, despite the depth he had reached, 11 cm., he had never penetrated to the healthy brain tissue at all."

Chapter 5 describes Johnny's graduation from high school and his death, on June 30, 1947.

I have zero freaking idea what the Catholic angle on this was supposed to be, and this book was a complete downer and I am never gonna read it again. This poor kid suffered, died, and was buried. I thought it was gonna have a happy ending! I got mad at this book, seriously, I decided that either there’s no God, or God is not super concerned with our day-to-day. The kid got a raw deal. Just like Jesus, I guess, but the gag with JC was that he knew exactly what was gonna happen, as part of the Holy Mystery or something, either before or after he got dimed out and ditched, he forgave everybody.

I get it. I understand forgiveness. I saw the movie The Bad Lieutenant, and it’s very rough, it’s disturbing, it’s brutal, it’s not for everybody, for a lotta reasons, but it has a forgiveness theme, so personally I think it’s totally an Un Certain Regard film, plus you can see everybody’s face, and too much of Harvey Keitel. Some sideboob/sidebutt-style nudity woulda been fine, Harv. I also enjoyed for completely different reasons Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, which was neither a sequel nor a remake.

OK, sorry, forgiveness, I forgive my enemies! It’s a Jesus thing, you don’t have to believe that it’s a God Jr. situation, it’s a philosophy, love your enemy and stuff, but meanwhile, where did the concept of “forgive and forget” come from? I don’t even wanna know, because I think this is a flawed concept. Whoever wrote The Lord’s Prayer, I get it, seriously, you should forgive it, the trespassing, because it’d be nice if your own trespasses could be forgiven, so sure, forgive, but why the hell would you ever want to forget when someone trespassed against you?

I don’t care how many years it’s been, if you Trespassed against me, and I see you tomorrow? You’re damn skippy I remember. I forgive, like Rabbi Jesus teaches us. I’m on a certain kinda spectrum, I can’t remember the plot of the Jesus stuff they taught me in Catholic School, but I have perfect recall for every fucking tiny thing anybody has ever done to be mean to me, the greatest crimes, the slightest slights. From the time somebody pulled a knife on me in the parking lot of a bar, to the time somebody didn’t pay their exact share of the dinner tab. You all know who you are, even if you don’t know me. My Jesus said Forgive, but I never heard anything about forget. Amen.

The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com


WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of select sandwiches from Handy Household Hints and Recipes, compiled by Mattie Lee Wehrley. Published in 1916, this book is in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.

Cucumber and Cheese Sandwiches.

Break up two cakes of cream cheese, rub to a smooth paste with a little cream or olive oil, season with half a grated onion, salt, paprika or a little dash of cayenne pepper. Grate a medium-sized cucumber and drain off part of the juice, as it may be too much. Beat the grated cucumber into the cheese mixture, using the filling to thin. If it is to stand overnight in the ice box it will thicken up a good deal. The best way to season sandwich filling is by the taste. If desired, add more onion or a teaspoonful of Worcestershire sauce or a little Roquefort cheese rubbed smooth. The filling may be a little over-seasoned, for when ready to use it you are to add a cupful of unseasoned whipped cream, whipped very stiff. This is added just before spreading. Do not be stingy with your filing. Nothing is so disappointing as skimpy sandwiches.

Pimento Sandwiches.
With cream cheese for a basis you can make an unending variety of sandwich fillings. For pimento sandwiches proceed exactly as for the cucumber sandwiches, adding chopped pimentos instead of cucumber. A little chopped celery is a pleasant addition, and chopped nuts are good in almost any kind of sandwich filling. Do not omit the onion in cream cheese sandwiches. Even people who think they hate onions would find a sandwich flat without it. You may use a little garlic judiciously. Rub a few garlic corns on the inside of the bowl before mixing, break them up and rub with the back of your mixing spoon, then remove them from the bowl and add other ingredients.

Sandwich Jambon.
Spread thin slices of bread with finely minced ham, then put on a very thin slice of American dairy cheese, or, if a strong cheese is liked, use an imported Swiss cheese. Put on the top slice of bread and saute in butter on both sides until cheese is soft, or they may be baked in the oven or toasted under a gas broiler.

If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, kindly send a picture to us at indignity@indignity.net.


19 FOLKTALES collects a series of timeless tales of canny animals, foolish people, monsters, magic, ambition, adventure, glory, failure, inexorable death, and ripe fruits and vegetables. Written by Tom Scocca and richly illustrated by Jim Cooke, these fables stand at the crossroads of wisdom and absurdity.

HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm Daily. The special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Your $20 plus shipping and tax helps fund The Brick House collective, a Publishing Concern featuring a globally diverse set of publishers doing their own thing, with interesting items and publications available for purchase at SHOPULA.

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