INDIGNITY VOL. 3, NO. 22: Hands off my molecules.


INDIGNITY VOL. 3, NO. 22: Hands off my molecules.

The Indignity Morning Podcast

Indignity Morning Podcast No. 16: A valid quote of criticism from a Diner Guy.
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MR WRONG: Trouble Helix

This looks creepy but it’s just DNA extracted from an orange. Photo Mariano Avagliano CC 4.0 via Wikipedia.

DO YOU WONDER about where your DNA is, or is it “are,” where they are, your DNA? I have been thinking about DNA a lot, maybe it’s my DNAs, making me think? I don’t know how it works, my brain, I mean even my goddamn brain doesn’t know how my brain works, but anyway, I looked up “DNA” and it is “deoxyribonucleic acid,” which is a singular noun-thing, but we—as in humans, I don’t know about you and your deal specifically, so no offense—have lots of tiny but active li’l biological gizmos with DNA in ‘em, and so in all our stuff, our hair and bodily fluids (ugh) and our cells, basically. It is a Building Block of Life or something! I don’t understand any of it, but I know there’s these things in the DNA that humans have translated into codes that we can read and cipher and stuff, like in the Major Motion Picture Gattaca, starring Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman, and the title really shoulda been GATTACA, uppercase, because, as Wikipedia teaches us:

The film's title is based on the letters G, A, T, and C, which stand for guanine, adenine, thymine, and cytosine, the four nucleobases of DNA.[6]

Anyway, in the movie, what I can remember of it, there’s a Science Fiction Dystopian Police State or a Control State or whatever you call it when The Man wants to plant that boot right down on your neck and you can’t do anything except keep your head down and try not to attract any attention. The Science Fiction Dystopian Totalitarian Control Police State has your Codes, and that determines your whole life, because they can match you to your codes, to you, and it’s not really a SPOILER ALERT, but the movie came out in 1997 for fuck’s sake, so tough shit if it is a spoiler, but in the movie there’s a lotta suspenseful DNA moves going on, and it’s like, teensy-weensy pieces of cells from a person’s body, like microscopic skin cells, and hairs, for deception and stuff, and so like, do you wonder where your DNAs are? They could be anywhere!

The AT part of the GATTACA! Not mine! Public Domain via Wikipedia.

I’m not paranoid, but I have left my own personal DNA all over the planet, and I bet you have too, but do you know where your DNA is going to? Do you know the things in life it’s showing you? And everybody else? All those places where your DNA was because you were there? Like I said, I’m not paranoid, but I have an imagination, and if a Bad Person wanted to, they could get my DNA and put it all over the place and frame me for Future Crimes, like they do all the time in the movies and on teevee! They have cracked the Genetic Code for this kinda Plot Device! PLOTTACA!

I mean, of course there are lotsa Real Life good uses for DNA in solving crimes and exonerating people who got framed for stuff, and hey, if you go and get busted for something you did in the 1970s because some cousin of yours wanted to find out if they have any Cherokee in some sorta ancestry dot com-type situation, you need to get ahold of yourself and realize this is about me and my non-paranoia!

I remember once on an episode of The Sopranos on Home Box, a buncha the New Jersey gangsters went to Sicily, and there was a scene where a Sexy and Powerful Crime Lord there was trimming their nails, and they made sure the trimmings got swept up and thrown away securely, on account of some sorta superstition about being able to put a hex on you with stuff from your body, but like, who’s superstitious now? Me! With Science-stition! The Scientific fact is My toenails are loaded with DNA! I’m worried about all the DNAs of Mine all over the place, the cells and follicles and all that, just sitting around waiting to get Me in trouble somehow! I have enough bullshit going on, I’m working on Job Applications and stuff, I don’t need this GATTACA crap, but I’m already waist deep!

It’s too late for me! Months ago I signed up for a Scientific study that has my blood and stuff because they (Science) said if I got into the study I would get a free “Fitbit” device, and I could stand to lose a few pounds, so I signed up, for Science, and because if I get that free Fitbit, maybe I will exercise more, but I realize now now they got my GATTACA! My Precious Bodily Fluids! And I didn’t even get to see if I’m related to Genghis Khan or whatever! 23 and NOT ME!

The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong:


IN RESPONSE TO our own posting (Indignity Vol. 3, No. 18) of the Log Cabin Sandwiches recipe from The Daisy Recipe Book No. 2, Compiled and Arranged by the Daisy Bible Class, Hyatt Avenue United Church, London, Ontario, 1927, found in the public domain and available at for the delectation of all, we present an alternative and diametrically opposed version of the item, as copied out of The Up-To-Date Sandwich Book: 400 Ways to Make a Sandwich, by Eva Green Fuller; 1909, also in the public domain for the delectation of all.


Boil one cupful of maple syrup, one-half cupful chopped dates, one-half cupful chopped almonds, one-half cupful pineapple together, let cook for five minutes, take from fire, and add teaspoonful of lemon juice. Cut the bread in long thin strips and remove the crust. Spread with the mixture. Put slices together and wrap in oiled paper; let stand a few hours, when the paper can be removed and they will keep the shape desired.

If you decide to prepare and enjoy a sandwich inspired by these offerings, kindly send a picture to us at

INDIGNITY is a general-interest publication for a discerning and self-selected audience. Is it for you? It could be!