MR WRONG: A shell of himself
Indignity Vol. 6, No. 58
PRE-GAME DEP'T.
Tom Scocca
CHAPTER 35 of Tom Scocca's serialized work of fiction appears tomorrow, so right now is a good time to get caught up on THE STAIRS!
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: You Can Always Talk to Your Senator but Can Your Senator Talk Back?
I READ THE fucking news today, oh boy. This guy Mitch McConnell, a United States senator for the state of Kentucky, since 1985, since The Year of Our Lord Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Five and No Cents, is really sick, ill, not feeling too perky. He is 84 years old. Is that too old to be a United States senator?
This McConnell got elected to office and re-elected to office and re-elected to office and re-elected to office and re-elected to office and re-elected to office and re-elected to office. Seven times he got elected or re-elected, and that’s six years a pop for the term, so he’s got the potential to be in office for a total of 42 years. Is that too long?
Anyway, there’s all this hoo-hah about if he’s even alive at this juncture, because if he’s not, then, no offense, look, I mean, I’m no Political Scientist, but he can’t be a United States senator anymore, right? You can’t be a United States senator when you are deceased, right?
So the Governor of Kentucky, he wrote a letter to Mitch McConnell:
On July 8 Kentucky Governor Andy Beshear wrote a letter to McConnell, stating "As Governor, I request that you fully update Kentuckians regarding the current status of your health."
Alright, I am no Political Pundit, which, quite frankly, anybody can be one, look at all those goofballs at the New York Times, oof, wowee, I totally wish I had a gig like that, you just type some crap like I’m doing—except no swears—and then you get a big check! The trick is you are Serious, like actors on a soap opera, like on my story, The Young and the Restless, which has been on teevee for 50 years, which is longer than Mitch McConnell has been a United States senator, can you believe that shit? I heard the whole key to being a good soap opera actor is that whatever your character has to say, you say it like your character believes it is the truth. So all these dingleberries at the New York Times (the ones I don’t like, some of ’em are good, but not many), all they gotta do is poop out a column a coupla times a week and convince themselves it’s what they really think, until the next one, har!
Not the Mr. Wrong column! I firmly believe that I don’t know what the hell is going on! And I have theories to back up my complete lack of understanding! Especially right now in this Economy! A coupla weeks ago some guy came back to his job as an elected member of the United States Congress after he was out for four months! He didn’t do any voting or anything, four months. Talking about a nice gig, wow, I think United States Congress beats out Political Pundit New York Times for being able to do 100 percent zero and keep cashing those checks!
I’m gonna say Mitch McConnell is alive, but I bet he’s too sick to really read a letter. I mean, I bet somebody mighta read the letter to him, because that’s what you’re supposed to do with people who maybe can’t respond, you know?
On June 14, 2026, McConnell was found at his home in a state of cardiac arrest and rushed to a hospital.The emergency service dispatch to his home recorded that first responders found an unconscious person and performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation. On July 6, McConnell's office refused to say whether he was conscious in the hospital, releasing a statement virtually identical to that of the week before: "Senator McConnell appreciates the outpouring of support he's receiving while he continues his recovery in the hospital. The Senator continues to improve, and is working closely with his staff on Kentucky and Senate matters while the Senate is out of session."
So this is all a big deal, the Republicans need him in office and Mitch McConnell is a certain type of politician, he’s highly effective at wielding Power. He’s the guy who stonewalled a lot of what Barack Obama tried to get accomplished as President of the United States of America, and he’s the guy who started the Supreme Court toward what it is now, Project 2025–wise.
McConnell holds conservative political positions, although he was known as a pragmatist and a moderate Republican early in his political career. He led opposition to stricter campaign finance laws, culminating in the U.S. Supreme Court decision Citizens United v. FEC, which partially overturned the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act (McCain-Feingold) in 2010. McConnell worked to withhold Republican support for major presidential initiatives during the Obama administration, making frequent use of the filibuster, and blocked many of President Barack Obama's judicial nominees, including Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland.
He started out as a moderate and a pragmatist and he ended up being an obstructionist, because he got lost in the Dark Side! Power! Unrestrained! He got lost as a human being because figured out how to use it for itself!
Everybody is making Weekend at Bernie’s jokes about this situation, and there’s all these people saying “I went to see Mitch and I told him this and that about [CURRENT EVENTS],” and sure, it’s not a lie, right? Is anybody saying Mitch is saying stuff?
Thank you, and I promise I will talk about nice things next week, I will try.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, July 5, 2026
★★ A peek out onto the balcony to see if the heat had broken met something still sweaty and horrible. It was hard to trust the prediction that the thickly covered sky and the saturated air would keep their rain unreleased till evening. A tentative and not pleasant bit of sun shone on Brooklyn and immediately faded out again. The Transit Museum was handing out heavy paper fans on sticks at the foot of the entrance stairs. A fan overhead in the antique train gave off a high-pitched chatter as it stirred the air on the ride along the defunct shuttle route. For the walk to get cooking wine and parsley, the sky went from whitish to bluish and the sun shone enough to brighten the whites of a sailor rounding the corner on 106th Street and to cast spots of light through the street trees onto the fronts of buildings. By dinner time, gray took hold again. The night sky was brownish and so full of light that individual leaves stood out against it. Thunder sounded and lightning glimmered once, and then came a draft of actually chilly air. The rain arrived as a pattering crescendo and a sort of brighter static against the dark shapes of the trees.
New York City, July 6, 2026
★ The crackle of rain carried down through the bathroom vent. Streaks of rain were falling out back and people strode along under glistening umbrellas out front. A tangle of pink ribbon and broken white balloons with softball seams printed on them lay in the skin of water in the roadway. Legs were too cold in shorts, though the upper body was still overheated in a rain jacket. More umbrellas filled the sidewalk where the Amazon workers waited for a round of deliveries. Branches at various distances swayed various directions in a solid lurching surface of green. A drizzle held the place between one shower and the next.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of sandwiches selected from Cookery: Choice Recipes Collected by the Woman's Club of Palo Alto, published in 1903 and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
“I fastened a durable crust to my belt and set forth free and hopeful."
—John Mint, Mountains of California.
Shrimp Sandwich.
One small can of shrimps, one hard boiled egg, one-half dozen large green olives, one tablespoonful of butter, juice of one-half lemon, paprika, salt, etc. Shred the shrimps with a fork, chop fine the egg and the stoned olives. Mix all with the lemon juice and seasoning, bind with the butter and rub into a hard paste. Spread between thin slices of bread.
—Mrs. Gilbert.
Sardine Sandwiches.
Drain sardines, mash fine with fork, add finely chopped hard-boiled egg, blend thoroughly, mix with mayonnaise, and spread on buttered bread. Green olives may be sliced thin and laid on top of the paste, or a leaf of lettuce, bits of cress, or nasturtium stems cut fine.
If you are inspired to prepare a sandwich inspired by our continued offerings, be sure to send along a description of your experience and a photo or three to us here: indignity@indignity.net.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive!
TOM SCOCCA
SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T.
