MR WRONG: Burning smell
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 150
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: They Made a Whole Other Kind of Roman Candle
TODAY ON THE Internet I saw someone put a link to this product, a smelly candle.
According to the sales literature, this candle is supposed to smell like the Roman Empire, and deeper still, its decline, which is fun, I mean, the candle is fun, because even if you don’t agree that the candle smells like The Fall of the Roman Empire (and how would you even know), it is molded to look like a buncha Roman buildings, so they will melt and be rendered unto the dustbin of History or whatever, the wax bin, and people who like to be smart and know stuff about the glory of Ancient Rome can have fun and congratulate themselves on knowing enough stuff to be amused by a candle with Roman-looking architecture shapes in it that is supposed to smell like the Decline of an Empire.
Personally, I would want the candle to have a hint of lead from the leaden vessels the Ancient Romans used to help sweeten the taste of their wine, oof! More wine! Urp! The company that makes the Roman End Times candle makes other droll candles such as WAR OF 1812 and TITANIC, hiyo! If History has taught us anything, it is that History plus Time equals people making fun of your ass after you get killed in some horrible way, ka-ching! Even if you are a dinosaur, ouch, TAR PIT, too soon? Which candle smells like Death? Arrooo!!!
My only suspicion about these candles is that maybe I am losing some candle-burn time to accommodate the fun sculptural aspect of the candle. Like, for instance, with the Loch Ness candle, the level of primary candle ingredient looks pretty low compared to other candle products on the site. However, I am generally in favor of smelly candles, and Gentle Readers of the Mr. Wrong column have been made abundantly aware that I don’t get any sorta payoff or commission for saying what I think (or don’t think) about any Consumer items discussed in this space. Again, I am totally pro smelly candles, and these look like they stink! Of success!
Not that you asked, but we’re here now, in the world of Smelly Candles, and I generally do not like any of those Yankee Candles, because I have checked them out at the price club, and they all just kinda smell way too sweet, or too much like sweet plus food such as apple pie, ugh, and joke-food like bacon, or else they just kinda hit me like Urinal Cake smell, very harsh disinfectant. I think the finest smelly candles are the woodsy ones, anything that smells like pine, and I also enjoy the lavender and geranium aromas.
Anyway, smell is crazy-subjective, right? There are people who howl like vampires fenestrated with a wooden stake if they smell cilantro, and there are people in this world who say that after a meal involving asparagus they cannot detect any remnant odor of the delicious herbaceous perennial in their urine. I would like to take this moment to acknowledge that the subject of urine has been mentioned a lot in today’s column, and to again remind you that I don’t get a goddamn dime for it! Thank you.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, August 20, 2025
★★ The Midtown sidewalks were slippery with the drizzle wringing itself out of the saturated air. Legs felt stuffy in long pants and arms were clammy in short sleeves. An hour and a half later, people had umbrellas out. The drizzle was only lightly more intense to the touch but it added up. Uptown it was blowing along the street with another increment of greater intensity, but still as a mist rather than a rain. What was the difference? A rain would have been falling down, while the dense drizzle just floated sideways. A gust shaking a drenched tree mooted the difference, scattering heavy drops, and in another half hour there was real rain everywhere, light but gravity-bound. A while beyond that, it was audible through the windows.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast!
Tom Scocca
Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive!
TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
HEY! DO YOU like advice columns? They don't happen unless you send in some letters! Surely you have something you want to justify to yourself, or to the world at large. Now is the perfect time to share it with everyone else through The Sophist, the columnist who is not here to correct you, but to tell you why you're right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of sandwiches selected from 500 Tested Recipes Issued by the Members of the Women's Institutes of Stanstead County Québec, published in 1924 and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
CHEESE SANDWICHES
1 egg boiled hard
4 lb. cheese grated
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon mustard
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1/2 teaspoon sugar
1 tablespoon butter
1 tablespoon vinegar
With a spoon mash the yolk of the egg, add butter and mix smooth, then add salt, pepper, sugar, mustard and grated cheese, mixing each well. Add vinegar; if vinegar is not relished use cold water.
—Margaret J. Whitcomb, Hatley.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net .
SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net .
SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T.
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