Newsletter

MR. WRONG

By Joe MacLeod

HMM DAILY

Oct 25, 2019 — 4 min read

The Mr. Wrong column is presented by Hmm Weekly.

CHEESED OFF

LOOK, I TRY to eat right, but I really enjoy macaroni, and I really dig on macaroni and cheese, ohh, I could eat it all, seriously; homemade, restaurant, diner, the Kraft Cheese Dinner box (although I don’t really enjoy the Deluxe one with the foil packet of cheese-gloop that you dump on as much as the regular box), and of course: Frozen.

I think the Stouffer’s one is the top of the food chain, frozen macaroni and cheese-wise, but I like to see what’s out there, I don’t want to miss anything, I absolutely haz FOMO: OMAC (Fear Of Missing Out: On Macaroni And Cheese), so the other day I purchased a Banquet one because they had a sale, assorted Frozen items, entrées if you will, from My Grocer’s Freezer, they were like four for five bucks, I think, and I got a meatloaf, and a turkey, and a chicken something, and I got a macaroni and cheese.

I also bought a coupla Chicken Pot Pies from Banquet (on sale), and they were OK, the dough part went all the way underneath, you know? Some of the lesser Pot Pies just put the dough part on top. I would recommend the Banquet ones, for the casual Pot Pie aficionado. These aren’t like Marie Callender level, but personally those are too hardcore for me, very rich.

But the non-pie entrées were not that great, kinda funny-tasting, I don’t get it, you’re making hot junk food, how hard can it be to make it taste Compelling, you know? Or at least not Bad? If I spend a dollar twenty-five on a bag of junk-ass potato chips, they are gonna be tasty! When will somebody like Fritos get in the game and start making hot food, right?

Here is some propaganda from Banquet about their Macaroni and Cheese Product:

Indulge in our classic Mac & Cheese meal, with tender macaroni noodles smothered in a rich, creamy cheese sauce.

Sounds good, eh? I love it when food items are Smothered, ohh. So I saved the macaroni and cheese for last, and I cooked it according to the instructions, where you vent the plastic, and nuke it, and then let it congeal, and it was crappy! Look at this!

I tipped it up so you can see how runny it is. And look at those little dark orange globules?!? How can this happen? I mean, there’s like maybe 20 macaronis in there, tops! There’s no smothering going on! They’re floating like little macaroni corpses that have been murdered and pushed off a dock into a watery yellow harbor of filth! And don’t tell me to stop complaining to you and complain to the company! I did! That’s why I’m complaining to you!

I dumped it in the trash and spent the rest of my day being mad at Banquet Macaroni and Cheese. I got on their Internets and communicated with CONAGRA Brands, the owners of Banquet, and I said something to the effect of “Hey, you messed up, this is inedible, thought you should know,” and I typed in all the numbers on the box and the barcode, all that stuff. I figured they’d make it right, and I know there are probably Professional Dissatisfied Customers out there who whine about stuff all the time, but I also figured they have Computer Programs to figure that out, you know? I’m pretty sure I gave ‘em my phone number along my home address, so they’d be able to see if I was the sort of person who kept finding problems with their stuff. What I’m saying is the first time you complain to somebody the Constitution of the United States of Consuming says you get the benefit of the doubt, you know? Make it right! Customer!

They responded to me in a way that equals that picture of failed microwave and cheese I shared up there. Here’s what they sent me:

So far, so good, right? It’s not an Admission of Guilt, but they appreciate that I took the time to communicate, and they are hooking me up with an Enclosed something, right? Ha! Look at this crap “Jane” (If that is their real name) sent me to assuage my Unfortunate Macaroni and Cheese Experience!

One dollar! That doesn’t even cover the cost of the stupid macaroni and cheese I bought at the SALE PRICE! This is not a good Consumer Affair! When I found a mutant Frito in my bag of Fritos once, I let Frito-Lay know about it and they sent me several coupons, worth full price, on a full-size bag of Fritos! That’s like five bucks per coupon!