MR WRONG: Capital offense
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 124
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: This President Is Really Cramping My Style
THERE ARE SOME boneheads out there—seems like more every day—who will tell you that we (The People, of Earth) never put a human being on The Moon. These are probably also the same-type dipshits who like to say that the Earth is flat. Personally, I have more respect for people who think the moon landing was faked, because at least they are ascribing some sorta human ingenuity into the equation, but they are still dopes, or deeper still, they are craving attention and stuff. Thirsty chowderheads!
Anyway, are you having a good Summer? I have already been to a river, in June, where it was Hotter Than July, and last weekend, now in July-actual, I went to the beachy shores of the Atlantic Ocean, where it was also hotter than July, as in mega-abnormally, you know?
OFF-TOPIC: I know it’s crazy-interesting when I have Opinions about the Weather, but I gotta interrupt myself with something going on that is really fucking bothering me, on Professional level, column-wise. A lot of people on the Internet point out that The President of The United States of America does wacky shit in public and on Social Media with Capitalizing words and going ALL CAPS, and as the proprietor of the Mr. Wrong Column, this really fucking irritates me, because that’s where I fuckin’ live, you know? I mean, I been typing my steez in this manner this since the late ’90s, Nineteen-Hundred-and-Ninety-Eight, and No Cents, to be exact, when this shit was printed on sheets of newspaper-paper, and the Brand of the Mr. Wrong Column’s presentation of words is what has been termed, by one Hater, as some form of “Germanic capitalization,” which I have always taken as a compliment, but in the Arcane sense, not in the whole Bad Stuff the Germans Did sense, OK?
Look, I find the fact that it can be argued that POTUS seems to have stolen my style, as super-annoying, and I don’t like it, but it just gets added on to all the other stuff I don’t like about This Economy, and furthermore, I have a more specific grievance, namely, that I might be related to this gaping asshole. For reals, look at this bullshit:
Trump's mother is Scottish immigrant Mary MacLeod (b. 1912, d. 2000). Mary was born on the Isle of Lewis, the largest island of the Western Isles in Scotland. The youngest of ten children, she was raised in a Gaelic-speaking household. In 1930, the day after her 18th birthday, she left Glasgow, Scotland for the United States. As Scottish paper The National notes, Mary “was a poor immigrant who arrived in New York with just $50 in her purse and worked as a domestic servant in the city for at least four years…”
Well, we all know how that turned out, oof, but meanwhile! Fuckin’ MacLeod! Spelled exactly the way I spell it! Argh! I could be related to this putz! There’s no way I would ever spend my own dough on a genealogy workup, but, like, if I could get on that Henry Louis Gates Jr. teevee show on PBS, before they make it illegal, the Public Broadcasting Service, I bet they could settle the question for me, and it would be a different punchline from the usual “Oh hey, yeah, crunchy-hippie do-gooder movie star, your great-whatever relative benefited from Chattel Slavery, here’s the published paper trail.” Then they get some good Television out of how the subject deals with some fuckin’ historic factual Truth, right? Is that how it works? I’m just guessing, I haven’t ever really watched the show beyond a coupla seconds while I’m flipping channels, because it always seems to be Movie Stars on the show, and to a certain degree, fuck them, I mean, no offense, but they are rich and stuff, and they don’t care about me, so why should I give a shit, but if that’s what it takes for me to get on, then I will assert to having a tissue-thin claim to Celebrity on account of being on a game show, three episodes, and also I have spent time talking to Famous people; for example, one time, under the auspices of Journalism, I interviewed famous actors Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill about a movie they were in together, and I think it went pretty well, so I might have a shot at getting on the Genealogy show, and it’s sad to say that it’s probably at least a Coin Toss that I have descendants who ruined lives because they thought they owned Human Beings, but I think my Family question is almost worse, considering?
Jeez, it’s tricky to spell "genealogy," I always want to leave out the “a” and put an extra “o” in there. Anyway, I apologize for veering so sharply off my topic from the beginning of the column, so, In Conclusion, I’m gonna conclude this week’s column by declaring it to be Part One of whatever the fuck I was trying to say before POTUS messed up my shit. Thank you, and see you next week, right here, where I am not changing a goddamn thing about how I Express Myself.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, July 9, 2025
★★ The sun stung the arms and shone titanium white off the clouds and caught in the film of dust on parked cars. A woman in flip-flops and a shoulderless top trudged uphill, a pink burn spreading on her sternum. A deli exhaust smelled like stale fairground concessions. No more people seemed to be out than strictly necessary. Walking to Broadway and back left the body still overheating even after returning to the air-conditioned indoors. It was impossible to reconcile how clean the light looked through the windows with how oppressive the atmosphere was outdoors. After 6, the day had lost its furnace quality; now in the Park someone was willing to sit at the foot of a tree with a guitar, in a shaft of sun.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast!
Tom Scocca
HERE IS THE Indignity Morning Podcast archive!
TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
HEY! DO YOU like advice columns? They don't happen unless you send in some letters! Surely you have something you want to justify to yourself, or to the world at large. Now is the perfect time to share it with everyone else through The Sophist, the columnist who is not here to correct you, but to tell you why you're right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from Encyclopedia of Cookery; 1001 Recipes, Menus & Rules for Modern, Scientific and Economic Cookery (Vol. 4), by Eugene Christian and Molly Griswold Christian, published by the Corrective Eating Society in 1920, and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
CREAM CHEESE SANDWICHES
Work into a Philadelphia or Neufchatel cream cheese quarter of a teaspoonful of salt and enough Welch’s Grape Juice to make a mixture which will spread easily. Add to it half a cupful of nut-meats chopped fine, and spread the compound on thin slices of Graham, whole wheat or Boston brown bread. Double for sandwiches. Delicious with afternoon tea or with drinks of any sort.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net .
SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T.
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