MR WRONG: Cool outside, flustered inside
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 154
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: It Is Always Wash Your Hands Season
I AM SAD that Summer is drawing to a close, temperature-wise. I’m not talking about the Climate Change triple-digit shit, eventually that will be six months a year, right? I’m talking about how we have a little over three weeks on the calendar left of Calendar-Summer, and it really feels like it’s gonna be no more just nicely hot days, at least of the kind when it’s hot enough in the morning for me to go for an iced coffee, no hesitation, you know? One less decision to make in the morning, before I have had any fucking coffee! Urgh!
So now is the Season of My Discontent, when I go to breakfast and I’m not sure how a hot coffee is gonna hit me. Should I go iced, is it warm enough out there? How’m I gonna feel when I walk outside, am I gonna regret having a bellyful of cold comfort coffee? Argh!
Today, for instance, it was a lovely day, low humidity in the morning, but seemed kinda warm, so I fixed myself an iced coffee in my castle, but it wasn’t the correct choice! Aieee!!! I had cold coffee for breakfast and my eyes were getting droopy so at coffee break time I hadda switch to hot coffee on account of I was sitting at my desk, working, but not doing anything physical (and barely mental) and I had a fan blowing on me for the illusion of fresh air and I ended up on the cool side, internally, so hot coffee was in order, and I don’t know, you know? Is there a rule for hot coffee after cold, like there’s a rule (that I never can remember) about whiskey before beer or liquor or something? I always end up having a whiskey drink after a buncha beers because somebody is like “would you like a whiskey," and I’m like, kinda impaired, so of course I say yes and now I have had “beer before shots / you better not,” is that the mnemonic device? How am I supposed to remember a device after a buncha beers? Also, nobody told me the beers they gave me were seven percent alcohol in volume? That’s like two-fer-one! And now I’m drinking brown liquor? It’s not a healthy choice in whichever direction I swill it!
Speaking of Health, that fucking weirdo who is running America’s health department doesn’t want anybody to get vaccines, so he’s chipping away at who can get a Covid shot a little bit at a time, and now you can’t just get one easily unless you are in some new older age category. The vaccination scene, it was good for a minute, I remember I would get a text from my CVS pharmacy and it would be like TIME FOR THE VACCINE THAT COULD SAVE YOUR ASS, and I'd go on the website and schedule a shot or two (needles, not whiskey) and go to CVS and the really nice Pharmacist would take care of business. I am not getting anything for saying that I have good experiences at CVS, just like I am not getting anything for saying that Walgreen’s stinks and it was so bad I switched to CVS for my drugs.
Meanwhile, go wash your hands! We got Cold & Flu Season coming down fast! The fucking government meathead who swims in bacteria and had a worm drill into his brain doesn’t want anybody to get a Covid shot! Also, what the fuck is dude going on about with the Mitochondria? Keep that maniac away from children! What the hell is going on? Is he talking about the fucking Midi-chlorians from STAR WARS? This guy eats bear heads or something! What’s next? Dipshit doesn’t think kids should get measles shots, he’s comin’ for flu shots, you know it! Save yourselves! Make sure you figure out a way to get your vaccinations, and wash your goddamn hands, you touch everything with ’em and you don’t know what you touched, microscopically! Hand-washing keeps a lotta stuff away from your eyeballs and nose-holes and stuff, the entries of Pestilence! Also, no matter how much I wash my hands, you are all out there touching stuff that I touch and all it takes is one goddamn Micro-Communist or whatever that gets by me! I don’t want to catch your lack of preventive prophylaxis! Thank you.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, August 27, 2025
★★★★ The clouds were shining white again. Now and then one would cut off the sun, and the eye would go to the window to see gray-green light and churning branches, only to look again and see crisp shadows on stone and brick. Errands flew by with no strain at all. A neighbor child somewhere nearby blasted terrible exuberant music into the open air, belting along. A trio of egrets flapped over, aglow and unhurried.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast!
Tom Scocca
Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive!
TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
HEY! DO YOU like advice columns? They don't happen unless you send in some letters! Surely you have something you want to justify to yourself, or to the world at large. Now is the perfect time to share it with everyone else through The Sophist, the columnist who is not here to correct you, but to tell you why you're right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of sandwiches selected from Assiniboia Cook Book, compiled and published by the Women's Association of the St. Paul's United Church, Assiniboia, Saskatchewan, Canada, published in 1925 and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
SANDWICH FILLING.—One and one-half cups chicken, pork, or veal, two dill or sweet pickles, one teaspoon onion juice. Season with salt and red pepper. Put through chopper and mix with mayonnaise or a rich salad dressing.
—Mrs. J. K. Kerchner.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net .
SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T.
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