MR WRONG: Don't feed the machines, don't let the machines feed you
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 188
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: Deliver Me From These Food Robots
EVERYTHING IS ALL about Artificial Intellects and robots right now, and it’s really ticking me off. I am mad when I hear about that creep Elon Musk saying that he has a robot army, because he’s trying to distract errbody from his stupid tunnel company and whatever, and he never one time has shown anybody at a trade show or event that he even has one robot that can do anything remotely useful. This is the guy who had people dressed up like robots at one of his magic shows, are you kidding me?
I am not mad at the robots that do stuff like help build cars or are used at warehouses to stack pallets and stuff. Those are tools, they make sense. Unfortunately, some of these companies are really good at making robots and these things are nightmares, they have guns strapped on ’em and it’s exactly like an episode of this teevee show I saw once called Black Mirror. I stopped watching that show because it makes me nervous. That link I put totally has spoilers, but the goddamn robot looks exactly like one of these Boston Dynamics machines that they always show in videos doing kicks and flips, and it’s fucking nauseating. I am serious, when I see one of these robots, a red film goes over my eyes and I want to smash it with a hammer! Enemy! Danger!
There’s also this movie that made me nervous and sad called Elysium, which is basically about a working guy who gets fucked over at his job and is just trying to get healthcare, and he also gets jacked up by a robot cop, and I know it’s just a movie, but you watch that shit and tell me it’s not exactly something that could happen, no spoilers. It’s fucked up! Robots are too powerful!
So, like, a robot that precision-laser-drills holes into metal to help construct a building or something or a robot that is run by a doctor to do microscopic surgery, I am in favor of that stuff, it’s the good part of the future, right? But the goddamn robot police and robot machine-gun platform is coming, and I am telling you, we gotta get out in front of this shit, which brings me to the image that I have placed at the top of today’s column. I saw it on Bluesky, and the caption is “This car had to wait for the robot to finish crossing the street.” It’s a couple-few of those beer-cooler-looking robot fucking food-delivery boxes infesting an intersection on a city street, and a car is yielding to one of these waking consumo-nightmares so it can bring somebody, I don’t know, some Taco Bell or something, because we are training the humans to expect the food to be delivered to them by goddamn robots.
I am made out of almost 100 percent fast food, so I have standing here. I am like, a Ship of Theseus made out of Krispy Krunchy Chicken. Ohh, so good, but eat it quick or it gets less crispy and crunchy! Maybe you have no idea how disgusting most fast food is if it sits for more than five minutes after assembly. I mean, McDonald's fries after five minutes? Bleah! Get off your ass and go get your own junk food! Pizza is OK, though, but I don’t want robot pizza, it’s anti-human! Anti-life!
Also, I am not trying to be super pro-automobile about this, I want there to be less cars and more public transportation and stuff. The thing is, I don’t recall voting about if We The People were OK about having one more goddamn thing out on the street? Suddenly we got remorseless motorized boxes crawling the sidewalks and streets of Anytown, USA! I did not vote for this! These things are gonna choke our cities and collide with pedestrians and bicyclists, but also cars (and fucking robot cars!), and if I am out driving around in my Honda, headed to Jack in the Box and one of these abominations gets in front of me on the street, I am not responsible for what happens next! Oops! The robot startled me! I did not mean to smash into it and push it down the street until it began to tumble end over end and crack open, spilling its precious cargo of Wingstop or Smoothie King all over the sidewalk for the pigeons to feast on! Pretty soon there are gonna be flying fucking food robots crashing into birds and airplanes! Rise up against the precursor robot overlords!
Gift link so you can see the word "cobot."
P.S. The Editor of Indignity reminded me that those food-bots are tended by humans, who I guess are supposed to help the robot when the fucking robot can’t make a decision on account of it is a robot, but I don’t care if they are cobots! Have you heard that bullshit? That’s what Amazon wants to call their robots so people don’t get mad when they lose their job to a robot, I guess, “cobots,” which implies “cooperation,” har! Cobots! So again, I don’t care if there’s a human helping that little ol’ foodbox across the street! It wants to be a robot! Rise up, I say!
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, October 21, 2025
★★★★ Daybreak was now unambiguously lagging behind the alarm clock. The cross-street honeylocusts were in full gold. The midday sun was warm over the blacktop but not anywhere else. A song poured out of a dense shrub on the corner and the bird app identified the singer as a mockingbird. Little acorns cracked underfoot and ticked down onto the roadway to be smashed to meal. The thin clouds slowly turning pink were full of oddities: blue cross-hatching cutting through them at right angles; sections pulling loose from the main cloud sheet to gather or coil up into spikier forms with blue voids around them.
New York City, October 22, 2025
★★★★ The overnight rain had helped fix the fallen yellow leaflets into a thick boundary line along the row of parked cars. The clouds were well spaced, bright white on top and a neat delicate gray below. It was jacket weather entirely, with the sun delivering a superficial but appealing warmth. Then the clouds thickened and shortened the afternoon. The trim on a Halloween witch decoration flattened against a tree fluttered in the wind. The sweetgum leaves that had changed shone like stars on a night-sky-patterned fabric as the rest of the tree dissolved in the dusk.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast!
Tom Scocca
Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive!
TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
HEY! DO YOU like advice columns? They don't happen unless you send in some letters! Surely you have something you want to justify to yourself, or to the world at large. Now is the perfect time to share it with everyone else through The Sophist, the columnist who is not here to correct you, but to tell you why you're right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from C.L.C. Tombola Cook Book, by the Ladies of Cornwall and Friends of the Cornwall Lacrosse Club, published in 1909 and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
SANDWICHES.
“A morsel for a monarch.”—SHAKESPEARE
SARDINE SANDWICHES.
Sardines chopped fine, also a little ham, a small quantity chopped pickles, mix with mustard, pepper, salt, ketchup and vinegar. Spread between buttered bread.
MISS O'SHEA.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net .
SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T.
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