MR WRONG: Foolin' with people's citizenship
Indignity Vol. 6, No. 29
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: It's April First and You Have Got to Be Kidding Me With This Supreme Court Business
IT’S APRIL FOOLS today and I hate that crap, no offense, go ahead and enjoy your foolings or pranks, whatever they are called, I don’t judge, I just can’t stand that shit, so annoying and generally unfunny and obvious, especially when the Brands get into it, oy vey, Look at all this stupid shit that was thought of on purpose in the furtherance of a Product’s identity, barf!
Speaking of fools, the President of the United States of America (POTUS) went to watch the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) today because he has a case going trying to turn citizens into non-citizens and stuff.
I am not a legal scholar, all I know about the Law is from watching Perry Mason on the Pluto streaming channel. There’s a whole channel for Perry Mason, all day all night, a spigot of Perry Mason, it’s very soothing to watch Perry never lose a fucking case and get justice while also pulling some totally Johnny Cochran-ish shenanigans, a zealous advocate!
I always wanted somebody to make a new Perry Mason show, and there was an excellent one on Home Box for a minute.
It only went a coupla seasons, it was set in the ’30s at the start, before Perry Mason was a successful and famous lawyer. It was a really good show, and I’m sorry it got canceled, but now maybe somebody can make a modern-day Perry Mason.
The Perry Mason show that got cancelled also had a really good side plot of Perry’s partner Della, who was super-sharp and had an interior life, and Perry’s investigator Paul Drake, unlike the old black-and-white Perry Mason where nobody really had an interior life, which I am not arguing against, it was a really good formula for a lotta of Law & Orders, they just did the Law and the Order parts and that was the show, and there was only the tiniest amount of peering into the character’s personal lives, because anyway, yuck. I like the Young and the Restless but also I want Law & Order!
Anyway, I heard the SCOTUS went into their deliberations or whatever about who is a Citizen, as in, if you are like, born, on dryland, born in the United States of America, does that make you a Citizen, and again, all I got under my brain-belt here are the aforementioned teevee shows plus the ’80s–’90s classic L.A. Law, and stuff like The Night Of, which was pretty fuckin’ grim but it was great, Tony Soprano (the late James Gandolfini) was supposed to do that one but unfortunately it seems, and not in my medical opinion, he mighta gluttoned himself to an early grave, poor guy.
The New York Post reports the actor had up to eight alcoholic drinks while enjoying fried food and fatty foie gras as the last meal he ate before experiencing a heart attack. "I was worried about the way he ate," admitted co-star of "The Sopranos," Joey Pantoliano, to Extra.
Anyway sorry to get so depressing but again, I am not a legal expert, but Jesus H. Christ, if you are born in the United States of America, you’re a fucking’ citizen! What the hell are you trying to pull here, even the indigenous peoples—who populated this hemisphere before the Europeans showed up and started drawing lines all over the map— are citizens, even if they don’t wanna be, never asked to be! It’s automatic, a Law, and you get Rights, certain unalienable ones, and like, in the Constitution of the United States of America, which I read at least once and didn’t understand it all, but look:
The Citizens of each State shall be entitled to all Privileges and Immunities of Citizens in the several States.
I know there was some slavery stuff in there, stuff that supported it, but we fixed that with some Amendments, right? Didn’t we?
We the People technically shoulda asked the Indigenous to be Citizens of the Americas!
This is what the Bad People are trying to take away because they want to herd people like animals and kick them out without any Due Process and stuff. Law!
This SCOTUS has a lotta problems, they take bribes, and they basically absolved themselves, and they even said it was OK that the POTUS can do whatever the fuck they want, like a goddamn king. I think I’m going around in a circle here, but look, it’s April Fools Day, I don’t have time for that shit, we have too much bizarre crap going on for me to get interested in some Brand saying they are changing the color of ketchup or whatever, let’s get serious about this fucking country now that it’s too late.
P.S. Today on the NASA app on my teevee I watched the launch of a fucking ROCKET SHIP TO THE MOON. This country can do incredible things! We need to get it away from the greedballs!
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
BUSINESS DEP'T.
Hello! If you're reading this item, you must be, by definition, a committed reader of Indignity. Maybe you were even a paid subscriber to the previous version of Indignity.
Here is your chance to express your commitment and support by signing up for a new paid subscription to the current Indignity. This is independent of any previous paid subscriptions you may have had, all of which had their billing suspended in November.
For a modest monthly price, or larger but discounted annual price, you can help us cover the expenses of bringing you Indignity, you read the full archive of items previously published on Indignity, and you can obtain the ability to post comments to our comment section.
Indignity will remain free to all readers, with no paywall. But our publishing platform, Ghost, still does cost money, as do various other items that we continue to rely on to bring you a high-quality newsletter experience. If you're able, please do help us defray those costs.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, March 29. 2026
★★ The unacceptable cold of morning became a merely chilly, breeze-pressed afternoon, something to bundle against but not to dread. An airplane passed, glimmering and veiled in haze. A few stumpy daffodils bent their heads in a tree box. A Grand Opening banner billowed, announcing a new fish place had replaced the fish place that had replaced the fish place before that. The forsythia on the corner had pushed out a few scattered flowers, their yellow still inconspicuous against the mostly bare branches.
New York City, March 30, 2026
★★★★ New light was fading even as it stretched across the city. Soon it came back, though, till its glow flooded down the stairwell. The clouds were still up there in wisps and sheets and clumped little bits, but none of it was thick enough to meaningfully impede the daylight. A walk to get coffee brought enough sun on dark jeans and a black short-sleeved shirt to turn the order into an iced coffee. The lid threw a reflection back up on the shirt, and a bee or wasp came out of nowhere to lunge at the straw. Out the windows of friends' apartment before dinner, sweetened sun was pouring over the buildings, but a new guest coming in had spots of rain on his clothes.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive!
TOM SCOCCA
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of sandwiches selected from Choice Recipes, by Order of Eastern Star, published circa 192o and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
NOISETTE SANDWICHES
Use nut bread, spread with cream cheese and butter, beaten together until soft enough to spread. Cover with orange marmalade, then place plain slice of bread on top. Cut in triangles.
OLIVE SANDWICH FILLING
Chop olives, mix with enough thick mayonnaise to make a paste, then spread on bread. Lettuce leaf may also be added.
PERFECTION SANDWICHES
One loaf whole wheat or white bread
Two-thirds cup stuffed olives
Two-thirds cup crisp celery
One-half cup pecan nuts
Three to four tablespoons mayonnaise.
Chop olives, nuts and celery very fine and moisten with mayonnaise. Cut bread in thin slices, spread lightly with softened butter and then with the sandwich filling. Press two slices together and cut each sandwich into four triangular-shaped pieces.
If you are inspired to prepare a sandwich inspired by these offerings, be sure to send your experience and a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T.
