MR WRONG: Ground rules
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 176
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: I Don't Really Own My Home but I Really Don't Own the Land Under My Home
I AM A Homeowner. I mean, specifically, on account of I am happily married, my wife and I are homeowners, I am half of a homeownership unit, but we can each say in a court of law that we are homeowners, OK? So for the purposes of today’s column, I am saying that I am a Homeowner, alright? I just didn’t want to take all the credit for paying for the home, since we are a team, financially! Home team!
OK, so I want to get back to being a Homeowner, which is to say that I do not really own a home, all the way up to the hilt, on account of how I did not pay for my pad with a pile of cash I was saving, I had to get a mortgage, and then when you have one of those, you gotta pay the bank every month, plus interest, so you can stay in your castle, right? So you can be a Homeowner.
So I am technically a homeowner, but not really in my heart and mind, because the bank still owns a chunk of my dwelling, and I am progressing, with each mortgage payment, to one hundred percent be a homeowner, when that last sack of loot gets sent to the bank, years from now. I don’t like to think about how long it’s gonna be, but it’s not that bad, assuming there will still be a government and civilization and stuff.
Even when the house gets paid off, though, I still after that will have to pay for a thing I don’t really own, domicile-wise, and that is the actual ground underbeneath my casa, because where I live, in the city of Baltimore, in the state of Maryland in what is at this moment the United States of America, we have this thing called Ground Rent, which is some seriously Feudal shit, I have to pay like a hundred bucks a year to some company that owns the ground upon which my house was built. I mean, how Ye Olde is that? Ground Rent! It’s like paying Tribute or something, I dunno, I don’t like it!
This company that gets the Ground Rent, I am pretty sure it’s one person sitting in a room with a copying machine and a buncha envelopes, sending out the notices for Ground Rent, and they don't even give you a Return Envelope, like a regular business, they send you this form that’s been photocopied so many times it’s like, eroded, the letters, and the form yells at you! Look at this:
1 COPY OF BILL MUST BE RETURNED WITH PAYMENT, PUT PROPERTY ADDRESS AND ID ON CHECK. RECEIPT MAILED ONLY WITH SELF ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE. ID MUST BE ON THE CHECK!
Then they really yell at you:
IF YOU FAIL TO PAY THE GROUND RENT ON TIME, YOU ARE STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR PAYING THE GROUND RENT. IF THE GROUND LEASE HOLDER FILES AN ACTION IN COURT TO COLLECT PAST DUE GROUND RENT, YOU MAYBE REQUIRED TO PAY THE GROUND LEASE HOLDER FOR FEES AND COSTS ASSOCIATED WITH THE COLLECTION OF THE PAST DUE GROUND RENT. IN ADDITION, THE GROUND LEASE HOLDER MAY ALSO FILE AN ACTION IN COURT TO TAKE POSSESSION OF THE PROPERTY WHICH MAY RESULT IN YOUR BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR ADDITIONAL FEES AND COSTS AND ULTIMATELY IN THE LOSS OF YOUR PROPERTY. AS THE OWNER OF THIS PROPERTY, YOU ARE ENTITLED TO REDEEM, OR PURCHASE THE GROUND LEASE FROM THE GROUND LEASE HOLDER AND OBTAIN ABSOLUTE OWNERSHIP OF THE PROPERTY.
Jeez, alright, enough already, and like, the form, it isn’t even like, the kind you can detach part of, and send in with your remittance, you know? Also—don’t we have computers now? What the actual fuck am I doing writing a goddamn check?!?! I have to write one check a year for this crap! I had to order more checks and it cost $20, and I’ll never get through 'em all! What is this antique shit? I don’t even write a check for my whole-ass mortgage! Internet! “SELF ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE,” Hah? I gotta buy a postage stamp to mail this fuckin’ thing, but if I want a receipt, I gotta buy two fuckin’ stamps! And an extra envelope!
I coulda bought the thing for the Ground Rent when we bought the house, and not had to pay it anymore, but I didn’t understand how it worked, like, what’s next, is there sky rent? The real estate agent told us, sure, we could buy the Ground Rent and not have to pay it anymore, but there’s a special lawyer, and it costs a couple grand maybe, and really, are you even gonna live here in 10 years, which I thought was being kinda mean, in terms of the house we bought, like house-shaming? So yeah, we're still in the house, and if I had bought the thing back then, I woulda almost broke even by now, I think, and if I try and buy it now, I am a Sunken Cost Fallacy! Either way it's highway robbery, or at least curbside robbery!
Anyway, it was all blah, blah, etc., whatever they told us was the equivalent of what we would be paying to Rent the stupid Ground, was almost not worth the trouble, and I was already full, from sitting in where they do the Real Estate, the Realatorium or whatever, initialing the little spots on the paper where you have to look for each of the little special, brightly colored Post-its, little slivers of Post-it, neon colored, and you put your initials saying yes, I will pay the mortgage (initials), yes (initials), and yes (initials), goddamn it already yes (initials), enough (initials), I don’t fuckin’ care about Ground Rent, it’s a hunski a year? Fine, what’s the difference, I gotta pay taxes, it’s one more thing, water bill, stupid fucking mortgage insurance to insure the mortgage?!? What the fucking fuck, I am paying for insurance on the house, but also even though I already signed all this suff saying YES (initials), I (initials), WILL (initials), PAY (initials), now you are making me get insurance for the very mortgage itself, even though if I totally skipped out on paying the mortgage, you (the bank) would get my house, I can’t feel my arm, is my arm there, the one that has been signing all these papers, am I having an arm attack? Let me outta this office, Ground Rent, sure! Whatever! Nobody owns anything! Nothing is real!
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, October 1, 2025
★★★★★ The coolness of real autumn came in with the new month in the night. A reflected sunbeam worked its way from deep on the back wall of the kitchen over into the little foyer. At noon it was still chilly to be out in a short-sleeved shirt with jeans. A woman walked along in a sweater, jacket over one arm but scarf wrapped around her neck; a young man had advanced all the way to plaid flannel. The breeze flapped at a trash bag covering the broken rear side window of a Volvo station wagon, which had leaves and a parking ticket gathered at the base of its windshield. A jacket felt like a little much in the full afternoon sun, but not in the shade. The subway was too hot for it, but that's the subway. Colored details on a tower and the green copper roof of another building caught the light above and beyond the shade of 72nd Street. Sunset cast a flattering glow over everything and everyone.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast!
Tom Scocca
Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive!
TOM SCOCCA
VISUAL CONSCIOUSNESS DEP'T.
Novelty booty shorts on Fremont in Vegas
More consciousness at Instagram.
ADVICE DEP'T.
HEY! DO YOU like advice columns? They don't happen unless you send in some letters! Surely you have something you want to justify to yourself, or to the world at large. Now is the perfect time to share it with everyone else through The Sophist, the columnist who is not here to correct you, but to tell you why you're right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of sandwiches selected from British Everyday Cookery, published by Whitcombe and Tombs in 1910 and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
CHICKEN AND TONGUE SANDWICHES.
Quarter lb. of cold chicken to 2 oz. of cooked tongue and 3 tablespoons of mayonnaise sauce.
Mince the chicken and tongue, season to taste, and mix with the sauce to make a paste. Spread slices of bread 4 inches square with the mixture and roll up tightly and press under a light weight for a few minutes to keep them in shape.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net .
SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T.
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