MR WRONG: It's heart out there
Indignity Vol. 6, No. 14
BUT FIRST BEFORE WE BEGIN DEP'T.
Tom Scocca
Before the next chapter drops Friday, take a trip down THE STAIRS, Tom Scocca's serialized work of fiction!
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: If You Love Valentine's Day, Set It Free
IT SEEMS LIKE it’s a terrible time to be alive, but I think it’s always a terrible time to be alive, if you look back at history, right? So many bad things happened! The bad things now are not really new, I mean, they are all mostly because people are greedy and fearful, I think? I always see these things about how if a Billionaire spent some of their Billions on feeding people and educating people, they’d still have many Billions! I think feeding people and educating people is a good combo, because it helps to put a muzzle on the jugheads who want you to believe they believe in Jesus, who famously said you can feed a fish to a person once a day, but if you show them how to go fishing then they will get sick of eating fish and get a job so they can buy some hamburgers, or something like that, hiyo!
All seriousness aside, a lotta people who say they believe in Jesus are totally fulla shit, because a very big Jesus rule is: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Too many people throw JC’s name around. These are mean and selfish people who are usually like “Fuck you, I got mine,” and they would rather see people suffer and die than help.
So in My America, you feed the children so that they can think straight enough to pay attention in school. The education of the children is the whole part where you teach somebody how to fish so that they can go fishing! I know I’m not good at Parable or whatever, but when I was a child, I went to Catholic School, and I had my breakfast and lunch provided. It is a happy childhood memory, sitting down to my oatmeal or whatever the hell they fed us, and I got a good education.
Anyway, everything is terrible, and you should help people, that’s my sermon, and it’s non-denominational! You can believe in whatever you want, I can’t do anything about that, but it’s nice to be nice, you know? We have a lotta fun here at the Mr. Wrong column—at least I do—and I really don’t like to get heavy, since there’s so much of that out there in the real world, so (if you’re still reading) I appreciate you hanging in there, and really my topic for today was going to be Valentine’s Day, which is one of those holidays that’s not really a Holiday, you know? You decide there’s a certain someone, and you would like them to be your Valentine, so you give them a greeting card to the effect of Be My Valentine. I’m not gonna get into how Big Greeting Card and Big Candy and Big Florist are behind this, but I have a problem with Valentine’s Day on account of how it’s one of those holidays that puts pressure on people and creates all these opportunities to feel bad, like, maybe you don’t have a Valentine, or like, you send your Valentine a card and they don’t want to be your Valentine! This is kind of a crappy holiday!
Plus, if you are in a Committed Relationship or whatever you care to call it, your polycule or whatever, you are sort of expected to observe Valentine’s Day even though it’s asked and answered! Settled Law! We are de facto Valentine and stuff, unless you are in some sorta thing where you are in your thing and then you can go and ask people to be your Valentine, oof, this is too much work, seriously. Personally, I am in a good thing, relationshipwise, and we have a policy of Mutually Assured Affection, and we have Good Communication and stuff like that, so we both know days, if not weeks in advance, what’s going on for these so-called holidays that seem to exist to test your goddamn relationship!
A big part of it is don’t be a fucking lemming and try to do stuff on actual Valentine’s day, that’s like going to a restaurant on Mother’s Day, or even worse, going to brunch on Mother’s Day, yeah, let’s make the window of opportunity even smaller! I am pro-business, and I realize things like Valentine’s Day are good for the Economy, but like, have your special festive meal on your own terms, don’t let The Man force you into their calendar, you can help a restaurant tomorrow or the day after Valentine's day, which this year, in the Year of Our Lord Jesus Christ, whose Valentine was the Whole World, Just Saying, 2026, the day after Valentine’s Day is a Sunday, which puts us right behind the eight ball again, brunchwise, Jesus H. Christ.
Look, I’m trying to help. All I am trying to say is don’t fall for these high-pressure events, don’t set yourself up for disappointment. Donate some money to a food bank or something, it will make you feel good, I’m not kidding. Tell your Valentine you’re doing that, you’re taking your Big Valentine Energy and using it as an opportunity to make the world a better place a little. Meanwhile, if you’re in the kinda relationship where there are big expectations for big win on a peer-pressure holiday, I will raise a glass to your success the day before Valentine’s Day when I am having a good time avoiding all the fuckin’ rubes who'll be going out on February 14. Cheers!
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
SIDE PIECES DEP'T.
FOR FLAMING HYDRA, Joe wrote a recap of his Super Bowl experience.
So now it’s halftime, and the big halftime festivities were on the screen. At the beginning we heard the Bad Bunny audio, and it stayed on, but then somebody cranked up a different audio source, the public address system for the hall, on top of the TV audio.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive!
TOM SCOCCA
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of sandwiches selected from Catering for Special Occasions, with Menus & Recipes, by Fannie Merrit Farmer, published in 1911 and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
SOMERSET SANDWICHES
Mash a cream cheese and moisten with French Dressing. Spread thin slices of Graham bread with mixture and sprinkle with chopped pecan nut meats. Cover with bread, remove crusts, cut in finger-shaped pieces, and toast on both sides. Serve hot with a dinner salad.
If you are inspired to prepare a sandwich inspired by these offerings, be sure to send your thoughts and a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T.
