MR WRONG: Patriotism is the first refuge of a columnist.

Indignity Vol. 4, No. 112

MR WRONG: Patriotism is the first refuge of a columnist.
The White House. Via Wikipedia.


MR WRONG: It's July 4, and That Means It's the Fourth of July!  

LAST WEEK, THE Mr. Wrong column was on Vacation, and what did you get? A column! Today is The Fourth of July, aka Independence Day, one of the 11 official United States Federal Holidays, and you are getting what you deserve (as a Gentle Reader of the Mr. Wrong column): another goddamn column! Huzzah! Always Be Columning! 

The thing about being a Professional Columnist (like me), is there are all these, whaddya call ‘em, “prompts?” When you are in the Column Life, you are surrounded by ‘em, it’s like in the Major Motion Picture They Live, when Rowdy Roddy Piper puts on the shades and all of a sudden he can see the Real. It’s also  like in the Major Motion Picture New Guy, when the Deadpool guy puts on the glasses and he can see all the prizes and stuff inside the video game, which is his Real. Maybe “prompts” isn’t the correct word, eh? How about crutches? Cheat codes?

It’s like, a columnist might say, “I am Writer,” but it’s the way somebody who climbs at one of those indoor rock-climbing places might say “I am a mountain climber,” or whatever they would say, is it “Rock Climber,” is that a thing? I’m not familiar. Rocks are hard! I prefer the beach or a nice Adirondack Chair next to a nice Adirondack River in the Adirondacks, for example. That’s where I was last week when I was on Vacation, and you best believe I jumped on that topic with all of my feet and got a column out of it! Columnist! 

Anyway, rocks, aren’t they just part of a Mountain? Look, the indoor places, they have those little spots on the wall where you can grab on or put your foot. It’s way different when you are out on some real-ass rocks, in Nature, just saying, not climbing. 

Goddammit, what I mean is, the indoor joints have all these helper-spots, and it’s not as hard as the Real, and when you write a Column on the regular, you begin to see all these little footholds and brightly-colored indentations upon which to gain purchase and hoist yourself up, and crap out a column! Today is one of those days! Just because it is a National Holiday, I will not let that stop me from double-pumping my BB gun and blasting away at this giant flopping fish in today’s barrel! Today is my Independence Day! Always Be Columning!

Animation of the alien spaceship throwin down a giant laser beam and blowing up the White House

BLAM! I love that movie, the Major Motion Picture Independence Day, it has everything, seriously, creatures from Outer Space, flying saucers, jet airplanes, cigars, Harry Connick, Jr., and most importantly, fighting to save a planet set upon by a malevolent Alien aggression, the–in the year 1996—Leader of the Free World: The President of The United States of America!

Right now We, The People (as in U.S.) are wondering about who will be the next Chief Executive of the United States of America, and we are watching the runup to Election Day, which would be a super boring movie, The Runup to Election Day, oy, but if nobody made one already, it’s my idea and I want to be an Executive Producer, two words: Robot President, and the sequel will be Election Day, three words: Robot VICE-President, and a lot of columnists are blasting away with all their might with their Political Opinions. Personally, the Mr. Wrong column abhors those kinds of columns, because it’s lazy, to write all the time about Politics. All you gotta do is be Contrary, it’s super-easy, but you gotta be at one of those media outlets that has a long reach so lots of people will be losing their shit on account of the Opinions. It’s how fuckin’ Facebook works, right?

Anyway, this election? I’m callin’ it for the old geezer, and then as soon as possible, they’ll turn it over to the Vice President. There’s my non-contrary politics Opinion, it’s a fuckin’ coin toss, and I did it in 20 words, which any columnist could pad out to like, around 600 or so words. Columnist!

The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong:  

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CLICK ON THIS box to find the Indignity Morning Podcast archive!

Tom Scocca reads you the newspaper.
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WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from Mrs. Ericsson Hammond's Salad Appetizer Cook Book, by Maria Matilda Ericsson Hammond. Published in 1924, and now in the Public Domain and available at for the delectation of all.

Anchovy Sandwiches with Eggs à la Gimo

Sandwiches d’ Anchois aux Oeufs à la Gimo
For Six Persons

Three hard-boiled eggs, six anchovies, six slices of bread, three tablespoons of butter, and two tablespoons of chopped parsley.

How to Make It. Bone and chop the anchovies very fine and stir the butter to a cream. Cut the slices of bread with a medium patty cutter; spread them with the butter and the anchovies. Slice the eggs in even slices and place a slice on the center of each sandwich. The rest of the white chop very fine; mix it with two tablespoons of finely chopped parsley. Make a narrow row of it all around the slices of eggs and chop the rest of the yolks; put a little pinch of it here and there around the sandwiches. In the center of the slices put a star of truffle, and on top of the sandwiches form a net with the stirred butter through a very narrow tube. Place them in the form of a ring on a platter and garnish with parsley in the center.

If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to 

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Supplies are really and truly running low of the second printing of 19 FOLK TALES, still available for gift-giving and personal perusal! Sit in the gathering heat with a breezy collection of stories, each of which is concise enough to read before the thunderstorms start.

HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm DailyThe special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, available for purchase at SHOPULA.

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