MR WRONG: Gray matters

Indignity Vol. 4, No. 71

MR WRONG: Gray matters


Spread from book with a picture of a roulette table layout and all the numbers, 1 to 36, plus Zero and Double Zero, and ODD, EVEN,  1ST 12, 2ND 12, 3RD 12
ROULETTE: I either bet on Black, as Wesley Snipes teaches us, or I bet on 22, the number from the classic motion picture Lost in America, but never more than once, the number, I just bet on it once and then that’s it. Walk away.

MR WRONG: The Best Gambling Companion Is a Brain You Can Trust

I AM FRIENDS with my Brain. Are you? Do you like your Brain, or is it tough to get along with? I think (see?) I am pretty fortunate to have a nice Brain, which has given me many hours—years, even—of entertainment and service, and doesn’t ask for much in return, even when I drink a bunch of cocktails, resulting in the destruction of billions of its tiny but active cells, which I have heard can never be replaced, have you heard that? How is your Brain? I hope it is a nice one, and if it’s not, there’s all kinds of things you can do now to help your Brain get along, and not just Drugs. I mean, a lot of the stuff for Brains is Drugs, especially this one lately, Ketamine, which I always thought was an Animal Tranquilizer or something, right before people starting calling it a “Club Drug,” which is like, also what they would call “Designer Drugs,” which are all just Speed with something different in their Molecule, but I try and stay away from that kind of thing, even thought I saw the Movie “24 Hour Party People,” which explained how in England there was a Club Drug scene, and it fueled an entire Music Scene, and it was all because of a Club. OK, you gotta go to the Club to do Drugs? I give a qualified recommendation to that movie because it stars Steve Coogan, not errbody’s Drug of Choice, but I think he’s OK, especially in those movies he made called The Trip or something like that, but completely not about a “trip” on LSD or anything, just going on trips with his friend and they would have conversations and stuff and not be honest with each other, and that’s where the Drama is in the movies, but also the Michal Caine impressions, they trade-off doing them. Also there is the whole “My Cocaine,” thing, and here we are back to Drugs again, I’m trying to get back to my Brain, not Drugs!

All right, I was trying to say before my Brain led me down that previous paragraph, everything I know is because of my Brain, all the stuff I have enjoyed on purpose, was thought up by my Brain. Hey, here’s an example of my Brain in Action. Here are the original notes for this column:

Lack of sleep
Lack of sleep drug of choice
Dreamlike state = dissociation
Controlled dissociation like controlled dreaming
10 percent of your brain - I use 100 percent of my brain
Brain is inefficient by nature 
Lots of dumbasses with big heads, having a big head means zero

None of that stuff is in this column, except because I am showing you my notes! I wrote a whole column because of those notes, but my Brain sandbagged on all the stuff in the notes and that’ll be next week’s column! I love my Brain, it’s always looking out for me.

A spread from the book with a picture of a craps table and all the weird bet-words such as COME, PASS LINE, DON'T PASS, FIELD, ack!and numbers
CRAPS: I will never understand this game.

OK, back to this week’s column: My Brain and I also contend that all the Bad Stuff that has happened to me, well, my wonderful Brain completely de-emphasises and makes that crap way less memorable compared to the Good Things! It is a very nice service provided by a Brain, and I know many people who suffer from having had terrible experiences, beyond the suffering of the experience itself, because they don’t have that feature in full effect in their Brain, or they have a Brain that features their Trauma, and there’s no Miracle yet, to shift gears, but we have therapy and stuff now, way better than ever in History, and there’s also, besides Ketamine and LSD and stuff, these electronic gizmos you can wear and it looks like they are useful in calming your Brain down. I am not a user of this device, but I think I would check it out if I had tried other things to help my Brain, just saying. Also I am not getting any cash or Insider Trading stock tips from this company, mentioning it in my Column because I am an Influencer, har! Nope, I just want folks to be happy and have a good relationship with their Brain, like I do. I’m not bragging, I realize it’s a complete crapshoot, and I don’t even understand gambling with dice, my brain just knows how to play Blackjack and Video Poker, and the only reason I am any good at Video Poker is because I bought this tiny little book when I was in Vegas one time, and it’s all about how to reduce the House Edge on all the Casino games. Not like, how to make a million bucks, just how to not make a bunch of moves to basically hand the casino your dough, see? So I can play video poker for hours on not a lotta money and most of the time walk away with my original budget (50 to a hunski) and usually a little more, because I ran that book through my Brain and we enjoyed it. 

Spread ffom book: Red, green, and yellow chart of all the cards on a grid with DEALER'S UP CARD and PLAYER'S CARD on the X and Y axis, I can never remember which is which, and there's all this stuff about STAND, HIT, DOUBLE DOWN, and I can't take the pressure.
BLACKJACK: I’m the jerko sitting at the Blackjack table with this book slowing down the entire table while I figure out what to do with an Ace and a Six (double down, I think, wait, give me a sec, it’s yellow, hold on dammit)

I just wasted a whole bunch of time trying to find that damn book about wagering, and now I am in Deadline trouble with this week’s column, but check it out: I looked in all of my usual spots for that book, the spots I keep Important Documents, and while I was looking for the book, I found my Social Security Card, which I thought was lost forever, and the last time I needed it was when my wife won a thousand bucks on a dollar scratch-off, and I was gonna go cash it for her, but they need a Social Security card to let you do that, like, you can’t use your Drivers License, even one of the new “Real ID” or whatever ones, which I have, and that’s because I went to the Motor Vehicle with like ten forms of ID, one of which, it turns out was my Social Security card, and then I stashed all that stuff because, hey, now I have Real ID, right? Yeah, anyway, it’s a happy ending, my Brain led me to all these spots in the house where I stash things (not drugs) and I found my Gambling Mini-Bible in spot number two, the little lunchbox where I keep the stickers and change and dollar bills for when we have a Yard Sale, which, wow, my Brain is really veering now. Lemme get back to square one!

Video JACKS OR BETTER Poker. Developing A Winning Strategy  Virtually all video poker games are based on or around the original -"Jacks or Better''. Game variations and vastly different pay tables cause strategy to change from one machine to another. Casino Companion™ recommends starting with Non-Progressive "Jacks or Better" to avoid confusion and limit strategy errors.  The Four Basic Steps to Winning  1) Play only the "best machines" (pay tables)  2) Realistic expectations (see frequency table)  3) Playing cards correctly (see strategy chart)  4) Max bet (5 coins) and money management  Finding The "Best Machines"  Simply check the pay tables before you play. Only play machines with a 5 coin Royal Flush payout of 4,000 coins or higher. Next, check the 1st coin payout for the Full House and Flush. The overall long-term payout is generally determined by these two numbers. Play only the machines with the highest overall pay table returns. Look at Full House and Flush to approximate return!  Examples of "Jacks or Better"Pay Schedules  (Non-Progressive)  1st Coin Bet *Overall Payout%  Full House 9 Flush 6 99.55% Excellent Return Full House 9 Flush 5 98.45% Very Good Return Full House 8 Flush 5 97.30% OK Return Full House 7 Flush 5 96.15% Poor Return Full House 6 Flush 5 95.00% Terrible Return  *Percentage payouts are based on 4,000 coins for a Royal Flush with a maximum bet of 5 coins. Note: If game pays 4,700 or 5,000 for a Royal Flush, add .30% or .50% respectively to overall payout.  Most video poker machines payout 95%-99%, and some payout as high as 100% or more with long-term correct play -choose wisely!  "Jacks or Better" Frequency Table*  Royal Flush 1 in 40,322  Straight 1 in 89  Straight Flush 1 in 9,328  Three of a Kind 1 in 13  Four of a Kind 1 in 423  Two Pair 1 in 7  Full House 1 in 86  Jacks or Better 1 in 4  Flush 1 in 91  No Value 55%  *Approximate odds of making a hand on the draw
JACKS OR BETTER: This is my jam, baby, you gotta find a “Jacks Or Better” machine, there usually aren’t a lot of ‘em, and you gotta check the payouts, you want FIVE COIN ROYAL FLUSH to pay 4K coins or higher, OK?

The slogo for Responsible Gambling is: Bet With Your Head, Not Over It, and my personal slogo is Gamble With Your Brain, Not On It, But Also Not On Drugs, Unless They Are Good For Your Brain, OK? Thank you.

Back cover of book: I'd rather be lucky AND good.™ Casino Companion, your quick guide to the best gaming advice. Novice? Casino Companion is right there with you at the tables, answering the questions you were afraid to ask... and some questions you didn't even know to ask. Intermediate? Casino Companion is an instant refresher course, so you can forget the details and concentrate on your game. No one can guarantee success, but Casino Companion gives you the confidence that comes with having experts on your side, everywhere you go, improving your odds. Casino Companion™ The Ultimate Good Luck Charm™ Sanctioned by Gambling Establishments Worldwide. I CAN'T GET THE WEB SITE TO LOAD SO HERE'S A LINK TO A SITE THAT SELLS THE BOOK
I did not get any money from Casino Companion to advocate the use of their manual, and I am not telling you to do any Addicting Behaviors such as Gambling, OK? Disclaimer!

The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong:

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Super puffy and 3-D-looking white clouds lower right with lots of little shadows creating volume appearrance and a bit of dull gray-blue sky behind, and some blurry gray clouds at left

New York City, April 24, 2024

★★ After a gloomy dawn and breakfast hour, the clustered puffs of cloud on the brilliant late-morning zenith were like celebratory fireworks. Robins moved in the undulating clumps of grass in the unmown lawn above the Pool. Down by the shore, an aroma of wet things was ripening. A rain shower appeared in midafternoon, mild and brief enough to have been meaningless, had it not been exactly timed to ruin the walk back across the Park. Another bout of rain was falling when the younger boy got back from basketball, as clear sun poured in from the south.

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This first rectangle, below, is the podcast file right here on GHOST. If you are reading this in your web browser, you can just stay right here and click that sideways black triangle and listen to five minutes and 7 seconds of podcast! HOWEVER, we have learned that if you are enjoying this post in an email, when you click on the triangle you will be taken to the web version of this post, and then you can find and click on the triangle and it will play. Let us know!

Indignity morning podcast No. 261: Cows that move across state lines.

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INDIGNITY MORNING PODCAST Episode 261: Indignity Morning Podcast No. 261: Cows that move across state lines.

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WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of the final three sandwiches selected from Uncooked Foods & How To Use Them: A Treatise On How To Get The Highest Form Of Animal Energy From Food, by Eugene Christian. Published in 1924, and now in the Public Domain and available at for the delectation of all.

Spread the unfired cracker with Philadelphia cream cheese, then a layer of date butter, and cover the other piece of bread with cream cheese also, and press both firmly together.
Fig butter and unfired crackers also make nice sandwiches.

Spread the cheese between unfired wafers, making the cheese as thick as the wafer.

If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to 


The second printing of 19 FOLK TALES is now available for gift-giving and personal perusal! Sit in the strengthening sunshine with a breezy collection of stories, each of which is concise enough to read before the damp ground seeps through your blanket.

HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm DailyThe special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, available for purchase at SHOPULA.

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