By Joe MacLeod


The Mr. Wrong column is presented by Hmm Weekly.


DO YOU TAKE pills? Not for fun, that’s your business, I mean do you take pills, for Sickness, or a Condition? I’m sorry if you do. I totally hate taking pills, I have to be dying before I take an aspirin or a Tylenol, and then with more serious medicine-pills, I hate having to remember to take a pill, or I have to take the pill at a certain time, and then it’s before a meal or after a meal or not anywhere near a motherfucking meal or with a glass of water or a glass of milk but for fuck’s sake not a glass of grapefruit juice or vodka or whatever makes your pills go crazy. I hate having to know where are my pills, did I buy enough new pills, how many pills do I have, am I getting ripped off on how much my pills costs, I hate all that shit, pills!

Do you have the Acid Reflux? I’m sorry if you do. Personally, I have had that for years. I didn’t know it until I went to the doctor with a sore throat, and the doctor told me it was the ACID in my stomach splashing up onto my tonsils, yow! The Dr. said if enough of the acid splashes up outta your gut, you can end up with CANCER in your esophagus food-tube, so you have to be careful about what you eat, and raise up the head of your bed so the acid stays lower in your body, and not wear tight pants (I guess because that squeezes the acid upwards), and not eat right before you go to bed, and not drink alcohol, har!

I tried to do some of this stuff, but c’mon, you know? Right? Also the list of stuff that you shouldn’t put in your stomach is depressing, and makes me want to drink more times, I mean, look at this shit that is PROSCRIBED:

  • French fries
  • Deep-fried onion rings
  • Potato chips
  • Butter
  • Whole milk
  • Cheese
  • Ice cream
  • High-fat sour cream
  • High-fat creamy salad dressings
  • Creamy sauces and dips
  • High-fat cuts of red meat, such as marbled sirloin or prime rib
  • Pineapple
  • Citrus fruits, such as oranges, grapefruit, lemons, and limes
  • Tomatoes and tomato-based foods, such as tomato sauce, salsa, chili, and pizza sauce
  • Garlic and onions
  • Chocolate
  • Mint, such as peppermint or spearmint
  • Iron or potassium supplements
  • Antibiotics
  • Aspirin or other pain relievers
  • Biophosphonates
  • Alpha-blockers
  • Nitrates
  • Calcium channel blockers
  • Tricyclics
  • Theophylline
  • Processed foods
  • Alcohol
  • Coffee and tea
  • Carbonated beverages
  • Citrus and tomato juices

Holy crap! Except for that medicine-looking stuff on the list, that’s like every fucking thing I eat! Seriously! Cheese? Tomato Sauce? A goddamn Onion? I understand all about people who are Healthy and eat Clean and Paleo and Ketone and Macrobiotic Diets and stuff, but I don’t want to live in a world without an Onion! I could maybe skip a Bloomin’ Onion, with the accompanying Dipping Sauce, on account of it combines Onion and Fried, and Creamy, but I can’t not Onion! In my Tomato Sauce! What’s the point? Why are we here? Pizza!

The doctor prescribed a goddamn pill. Omeprazole, which is an over-the-counter thing. Look at WebMD, which, I know, WebMD is usually like, POSSIBLE BRAIN TUMOR, but check out this quotable:

For over-the-counter products, carefully read the package instructions to make sure the product is right for you. Check the ingredients on the label even if you have used the product before. The manufacturer may have changed the ingredients. Also, products with similar brand names may contain different ingredients meant for different purposes. Taking the wrong product could harm you.

Makes sense, right? Don’t trust the Patent Medicines! The manufacturer might not be manufacturing the proper ingredients! Even if you have used the product before!

So for years I’ve been taking the Omeprazole, and I started hearing all this stuff about how it’s probably Bad For You, this over-the-counter medicine, because it can fuck up your calcium, in your bones, you could end up with weak bones! Also it could give you that C Diff thing, Clostridium difficile, the bacteria that can kill you in your Colon! Terrific!

Anyway, I went to another goddamn doctor, for a different thing, and they ended up shoving a tube and a camera down my throat, an endoscopy, and the Dr. told me I have Acid Reflux because I have Hiatal Hernia! In my diaphragm?!? I’m falling apart!

Here’s what the U.S. National Library of Medicine taught me about Hiatal Hernia:

A hiatal hernia is a condition in which the upper part of your stomach bulges through an opening in your diaphragm. Your diaphragm is the thin muscle that separates your chest from your abdomen. Your diaphragm helps keep acid from coming up into your esophagus. When you have a hiatal hernia, it's easier for the acid to come up.

My diaphragm! So the other Dr. tells me to switch to a pill that neutralizes the acid, as opposed to taking the omeprazole pill, which stops the thing in my body that makes the acid, which is logical I guess? Then he said he didn’t like the omeprazole stuff I was taking anyway, because it could make it way easier for me to catch pneumonia! What the fuck?

So even though I still had to take a pill, I felt kinda good about switching off of a thing that could give me deadly bacteria and pneumonia and fuck up my skeleton, which, not to brag on myself, is one of my best features.

HOWEVER and furthermore, now I heard that the pill I switched to, Ranitidine, which is made out of Zantac, or the other way around, is bad, maybe! Cancer! There’s a thing in the pill, when you make the pill, you get this Ingredient in the pill that can—ahh, whatever, all I gotta see is Cancer! In the Pill! I hate pills!

I heard on the radio about Bad Stuff in the Zantac a coupla weeks ago but I ignored it, because thought they said there were some Zantacs that had small amounts of MDMA in them, and look, I’m no Dope Fiend, but I know that MDMA is a celebrated party drug, you have like, Miley Cyrus or whatever talking about enjoying some “Molly,” aka MDMA, what they used to call a “Designer Drug,” but that shit’s been around for as long as there’s been Chemistry, you know? Nobody out there Designed that shit except The Lord, you know? I feel like I’m on drugs, and they’re not even good.

Anyway, I think I woulda noticed if there was some MDMA in my stomach pills, so I admit I was a little disappointed, and I got especially disappointed when it turned out there’s this shit called NDMA (nitrosodimethylamine), in some Zantac-brand Ranitidine, and in other, more Generic and Ordinary Ranitidines, and it’s bad, Cancer bad!

Another thing, it doesn’t help that Zantac (stomach-acid pill which is not supposed to contain Cancer) sounds so close to Xanax, which is for Anxiety and Panic Disorders, just saying let’s refer back to WebMD telling us about goddamn fucking pills with similar brand names that do wild different things, OK?

Fucking pills! Even better, though, they are doing a Voluntary de-Ranitidizination, the companies that make this shit, while the Food and Drug Administration says, hey, no biggie, keep taking the pill! What does that tell you when the Government says “Hey no probs keep on druggin’” and the Companies are like “Yeah no, no pills?” Plus there’s other Ranitidines out there, and they’re fine, right?

The FDA does not recommend users stop taking ranitidine products. Zantac maker Sanofi said it will continue shipping the drug to the U.S. Three other drugmakers – Apotex, Sandoz and GlaxoSmithKline – recalled generic versions of Zantac sold at Walgreens, Walmart and Rite Aid. — USA TODAY

I wanna take back all my Ranitidines for a refund, but the goddamn Rite-Aid where I bought ’em is a fucking Walgreens now! Are they doing this shit on purpose? Meanwhile, no I don’t have my receipt, I have a bottle of pills with tiny and negligible amounts of Cancer in them that the Government says I can keep taking but the very company that made them is pulling that shit off the shelves! I hate pills, but also please to give me better pills!

How hard is it for these Drug Companies to fucking make a pill that doesn’t have Cancer in it? You know how much Acid Reflux I have in my Hiatal Hernias right now thinking about all this shit? All I want to do in life is think about what kind of pizza I’m gonna order, with tomato sauce and onions on it!