Cops report blinged-out kiddie, plush accomplice
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 153
LOST & FOUND DEP'T.
There Goes My Gun
Recently Found in America
An ambulance (being driven on Stuebner Airline Road in Houston about 25 miles from Memorial Hermann Hospital, where its crew reported it had been stolen while they were bringing in a patient)
A Rolex watch valued at $40,000 (on the wrist of a 10-year-old boy in a car in Martin County, Florida, according to police, who arrested his father for alleged sleight-of-hand theft from a jewelry store in the county seat, and who reported finding $400,000 in valuables in all, some of them stuffed inside a plush toy of the Boxy character from the Lankybox YouTube channel, which the police misidentified as a Squishmallow)
Two hundred forty-nine slot machines (at five addresses around Port Richey, Florida, where the Florida Gaming Control Commission said illegal casinos were operating)
The remains of the ship Frank D. Barker (under 24 feet of water in Lake Michigan's Rowley Bay, off the shore of Door County, Wisconsin, where it sank in 1887 on its way to pick up a load of iron ore and where a raft operator found it after seeing its shape in satellite photos)
A Lamborghini Huracan (in Denver, where its owner said he found it using ChatGPT- and Google-assisted photo analysis, two years after it had been stolen in a wave of unreturned luxury-car rentals in Riverside County, California)
An unspecified firearm (in the Performing Arts Center at Lee's Summit West High School in Lee's Summit, Missouri, more than six weeks after its owner, who had attended a performance of 9 to 5: The Musical at the theater, reportedly told police that he had noticed the gun was missing during the performance and that he had "searched the seats")
Two pallid sturgeon (in the lower Des Moines River, in Iowa, where the endangered fish had never been officially observed before)
Recently Missing in America
An elk (from its enclosure in Cheatham County, Tennessee, after which it was briefly seen on a road in Ashland City)
A tegu lizard, two or three feet long (from a home on Marsh Island in Old Town, Maine, after which it was spotted wandering nearby)
A decades-old teddy bear (from somewhere along the route between the White Mountains in New Hampshire and Stoneham, Massachusetts, possibly either the Warren Fish Hatchery in Warren, New Hampshire, or the parking lot of the food court of the Mall at Rockingham Park in Salem, New Hampshire)
Three stacks of four-by-six-foot solar panels (from a solar power site near Route 150 in Parkman, Maine)
Dozens of peafowl (from the grounds of the Ryde Hotel in Walnut Grove, California, after two men were seen "shoving a peacock into a cage and loading it into a pickup truck")
A bronze bust of the Olympic gold-medal gymnast Suni Lee (from Phalen Regional Park in St. Paul, Minnesota, after which the accompanying granite plaque with Lee's name on it was recovered from a lake)
Twenty-five acoustic guitars and five ukuleles (from the multipurpose room at Dublin Elementary School in Dublin, California)
SIDE PIECES DEP'T.
Maria Bustillos
JOE JOINED FLAMING Hydra's Maria Bustillos to discuss an episode of Alien: Earth on the latest Flaming Hydra Roundtable Podcast Alien: Earth recap-yak-a-palooza.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, August 26, 2025
★★★★★ The morning paper lay on the stoop under a sky that was a new and deeper blue. Cool air worked its way around the apartment from the open windows. Long white clouds passed overhead with little cloud-fragments in the spaces between. One set of the fragments nearly formed a ring before dissolving. All through the day the sky was complicated and lovely to behold; the light was simple and clear; the air varied between gently warm and gently cool. The mourning doves had a sheen of color on their drabness. Open water was winning back the Pool from the duckweed and algae. A few orange leaves, sun shining through them, dotted the drooping green branches. The shade under the trees by the top of the hill was bright with a carpet of pale green samaras scattered by the hornbeams.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast!
Tom Scocca
Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive!
TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
HEY! DO YOU like advice columns? They don't happen unless you send in some letters! Surely you have something you want to justify to yourself, or to the world at large. Now is the perfect time to share it with everyone else through The Sophist, the columnist who is not here to correct you, but to tell you why you're right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of sandwiches selected from A Thousand Ways to Please a Husband with Bettina's Best Recipes, edited by Louise Bennett Weaver & Helen Cowles Lecron, published in 1917 and available at archive.org for the modern, equal, and non-sexist delectation of all.
BETTINA SANDWICHES (Twelve portions)
1/2 C creamed cheese
1/2 C pimento olives, chopped fine
3 T pickles, chopped fine
2 T salad dressing
1/4 t salt
Mix the cheese, pickles, olives and salt. Add the salad dressing. Spread this mixture between two thin pieces of buttered bread. Press firmly together and cut into fancy shapes.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net .
SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T.
Indignity is presented on Ghost. Indignity recommends Ghost for your Modern Publishing needs. Indignity gets a slice if you do this successfully!
