MR WRONG: Breathe easy

COLUMN DEP’T.

MR WRONG: As Soon as I CHIRP Finish Changing This CHIRP Smoke Detector Battery CHIRP I Am Going to Feel CHIRP Good About Stuff CHIRP

ANYBODY WHO READ last week’s episode of the Mr. Wrong column—thank you for reading (IF YOU DID)—will recall the topic was Daylight, as in Time and the so-called Savings, but I never got deeper still into the season, and this is an important Public Service of the Mr. Wrong column, to remind errbody to check the battery in their smoke alarm, and also to check the battery in the other thing, because it’s important and it might save your life.

It is important to change the smoke alarm battery before it starts to “chirp,” and remind you it needs a new battery because there is something about that chirp-sound that makes me angry! I guess that’s how it’s supposed to work, to trip the RAGE setting in my lower brain to compel action? Fight or Flight! I will fuckin’ fight you, smoke detector! Where are the goddamn nine-volt batteries? Why is this the only thing in my life that needs a goddamn nine-volt battery? Why do I insist on doing the thing where you put your tongue on the nine-volt battery to see if it works? What the hell is the matter with me? When will I learn? NO! DON'T REACH FOR THE BROOM! USE YOUR BRAIN!

When I am becoming blinded by inchoate rage I am not properly focused to remove the annoying smoke alarm from its spot on the ceiling! Which is not easy in my house, and if I’m mad at the smoke alarm because it won’t be quiet, I might get sloppy and could either break the smoke alarm or break my ass falling off a chair or ladder trying to reach the ceiling. Learn from my example, be careful!

It’s also kinda depressing to change the battery, I mean, it’s good, and safety, and all that, but it’s like, it makes me think about Death too much! A fire in my castle! Smoke! Lotsa depressing stuff! Bad! So I like to get the goddamn battery changed as quickly as possible and not have to think about Death, OK? Choose life!

After I put in the battery, no matter how many times I change one, I never know how to do the test the right way without getting my ears blasted by the atomic-test-level chirp of a freshly-batteried smoke detector. Ow! Thank you, smoke detector, I guess, for being ready to alert me that I might suffocate in a fire, but jeez, why are you punishing me for changing your battery?

Then there’s the other one, do you have this, the Invisible Death Gas detector? It’s important! You could get killed by deadly and invisible gas at any moment! I never got this one installed properly in the bedroom, so it just sits on the dresser near the alarm clock, which I guess is appropriate.

I have another one in the basement near the thing that might cause the death, our heater, and it’s wild that we have all these contraptions in the house that could fuck us up at any moment! Why do we live this way?

Okay, Jesus Christ, sorry, I wanna lighten the mood, things are going good! We just had an Election, and I am personally pleased with the Result. I don’t wanna get all Political Pundit, but I always like to watch Fox News to see how they are warping Reality for their viewers, and it was fun to watch it on election night and the day after, especially, because they really couldn’t get deep into how their side got landslided, really hard, outta power, so one of the good moments was they had some religioso-types on, talking about how G-d lost the election and stuff, and then they had a quote from that pothead Joe Rogan about G-d, har! Noted theologian! 

Anyway, they also did a live bit with the President of the United States of America (POTUS), but they cut away from him, because he basically didn’t wanna talk about the election, he wanted to blather on and on about the steel girders they were raising for his new fort, which you gotta figure, he’s gonna move into the so-called Ballroom as soon as he can, in case there’s another one of those love-filled peaceful protests like they had on January 6, after he lost that election. I heard there mighta been a buncha Antifas there, remember that bullshit? I don’t think it’s a good idea to let him move into that fort, just saying. Anyway, sorry about the politics, dang, I’m bringin’ the mood down again!

OK, Howabout this? Here are a coupla pictures of some flowers I saw the other day outside, it’s really nice this time of year when all the late-blooming stuff pops. Free beauty!

Alright, make sure you are safe in your home and don’t leave yourself open to getting invisibly killed by poison gas, OK? Get someone to help you with the smoke detector and the other gizmo if you can’t reach it. Choose life! 

The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.

WEATHER REVIEWS

New York City, November 1, 2026

★★★★ The strong light of the displaced day was trying to shine through the gaps in the shutters. Beyond, contrails crossed the blue. The golden foliage filling the windows hung so still it looked like a painted stage backdrop. A decorated sweatshirt that looked like a leftover costume revealed itself instead to be a message encouraging a marathoner. The color on the Pool's sunlit side was kaleidoscopic, broken into zones of pink and gold and green light on the path. A woman snapped phone photos of the leaves and a man accompanying her set up a short way off with a camera to take pictures of the picture-taking. A person in Chinese historical-drama robes and a headpiece conferred with another photographer, while a second costumed figure sat posing on the rocks by the falls, holding a red-tasselled flute in a shower of falling leaves. A pair of cats came rolling down the path in an open-topped perambulator, eyes wide. Crows flew low and cawing over the crown of the hill, their wings flashing yellow where their gloss caught the sun. West of the Park, another crow, or one of that flock, claimed the perching spot on the spire of a water tower, scattering smaller birds to the guy wires.

New York City, November 2, 2026

★★★ A decidedly non-Novemberish warmth and dampness lay on the morning. The plaid of contrails faded out, leaving a near-cloudless sky. The gold of the leaves had grown even more intense than before. The light was abundant until—swiftly, with plenty of the weekday's work remaining—it wasn't. "Wow, it really is 6 p.m.," a teen said, checking his watch in the full electric-lit night on Broadway. Even as the wintry dark had arrived, though, the warmth held on and the humidity rose again.

New York City, November 3, 2026

★★★★ A luminous, scalloped scrim of clouds over the morning fled within minutes. The sun was warm despite how low it stood. Yellowed ginkgo leaves lay atop the whitish blotches of crushed ginkgo fruit, making a dry-baked abstract pattern in the sun but a reeking wet film in the shade of a scaffold. The rooftop flashing was flashing. Thick. brilliant red clusters of crabapples hung among leaves turning gold along the walk to the polling place. Men with gray-touched hair unloaded golf bags from a double-parked SUV.

New York City, November 4, 2026

★★★★ Morning was bright and blue, and the overnight chill quickly surrendered to balminess. Leaves out back were giving up and softly clacking down with each little passing gust. The sun skimmed Columbus Avenue, turning it silver and raising craggy textures in a blank-walled and usually forgettable gap between buildings. Light rippled on the American flag over the school as the breeze gently lifted the colors.

SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.

WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of sandwiches selected from Historic Paxton: Her Days and Her Ways 1722-1913, Family Recipes Contributed by The Woman's Aid Society of Paxton Church, Edited With Historical Sketches by Helen Bruce Wallace, privately printed in 1913 and now available at archive.org for the delectation of all.

Sandwich Fillings

The secret of good sandwiches is a close, firm bread not so fresh as to cut badly, a sharp knife for thin slicing, and sweet butter. Cut the bread first and lay in neat piles, then butter two slices on opposite sides and place together — the butter should be soft to spread easily. Have your fillings prepared, spread evenly on one side of the sandwich, replace the top layer, cut off the crusts and shape as desired. White, rye or brown bread may be used. Wrap sandwiches in moist cloth until ready to use.

Fillings

1. Three hard-boiled eggs and a slice of onion run through a meat grinder. Season with salt and enough mayonnaise to spread.
2. One pound of cream cheese, 1 can of Spanish sweet peppers, 1 tablespoon of vinegar, 1 tablespoon of melted butter, % teaspoon of salt, dash of red pepper, 1/2 teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce and a few drops of tabasco sauce. Grind cheese and peppers through a grinder.
3. Six sweet peppers, 1 bottle of stuffed olives (25-cent size). Chop fine, squeeze dry, mix with mayonnaise dressing.
4. Three Bermuda onions chopped fine, a pint of highly seasoned mayonnaise. Press juice from the onions through a cloth. This quantity will make about 80 sandwiches.
5. Chopped cucumbers, cream cheese and a little onion juice mixed with mayonnaise.
6. Snappy and Philadelphia cream cheese made to a paste with French dressing. Chopped olives or pimentos may be added.
7. Chopped lettuce and bits of very crisp bacon mingled with mayonnaise.
8. Any cold meat or fowl run through the grinder until very fine. Season highly with black pepper, paprica and salt, a little onion juice and mix to a paste with rich cream.
9. Any cold fish, crab, lobster or salmon mixed with cream or snappy cheese and a highly seasoned mayonnaise.
10. Bar-le-duc, orange or grapefruit marmalade, or spiced fruits, mixed with Philadelphia cream cheese.
11. Sardines, mixed to a paste with crushed yolk of hard-boiled eggs and French dressing, rather strong with lemon juice.
12. Stuffed olives, lettuce, tomato aspic and a cucumber. Chop fine and mix with mayonnaise.

If you are inspired to prepare a sandwich inspired by our continued offerings, be sure to send along a description of your experience and maybe a few photos to us here: indignity@indignity.net. 

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