MR WRONG: Noise annoys
Indignity Vol. 6, No. 34
HEY BUT FIRST CHECK THIS OUT DEP'T.
Tom Scocca
Before the next chapter drops Friday, get caught up on THE STAIRS, Tom Scocca's serialized work of fiction!
COLUMN DEP’T.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Today's MR WRONG column contains descriptions of violence and touches on the topic of suicidality, aggression, and self-harm.
MR WRONG: The Sound and the Fury
TODAY I LEARNED that I have a disorder. I know, I know, but anyway, look, it is called MISOPHONIA and I never knew I had it until today! It’s a thing where if you hear sounds of a certain flavor way you fucking wig out, and totally have this, I’m not a hypochondriac, no offense if that is your hobby, and I am not trying to get on some Bandwagon of Affliction (which is the name of my new band) and muckle on to any sorta weird cred or sympathy trip. I am a Science-based person! Facts! Wikipedia teaches us:
When confronted with specific "trigger" stimuli, people with misophonia experience a range of negative emotions, most notably anger, extreme irritation, disgust, anxiety, and sometimes rage.[8] The emotional response is often accompanied by a range of physical symptoms (e.g., muscle tension, increased heart rate, and sweating) that may reflect activation of the fight-or-flight response.[8] Unlike the discomfort seen in hyperacusis, misophonic reactions do not seem to be elicited by the sound's loudness but rather by the trigger's specific pattern or meaning to the hearer.[18][19][20] Many people with misophonia cannot trigger themselves with self-produced sounds, or if such sounds do cause a misophonic reaction, it is substantially weaker than if another person produced the sound.[7][8]
With me the Reaction profile is one hundred percent straight-up Anger is an Energy, leading to Irritation Extreme, culminating in a pure iridescent vibrating miasma-plasma of flamin’ hot Rage. Not good!
So today I was listening to a show on satellite radio and one of the producers explained that they suffered from this sort of recently identified malady, and then, since it’s in the tradition of a wacky FM “Shock Jock” radio show, they had somebody in studio make triggering noises, hiyo. In the case of my fellow misophonia-afflicted radio friend, they were profoundly bothered by a co-worker eating snacks into the mic, and the chewing of crunchies, and the cherry on the ice cream sundae of the obnoxious eating sounds was the snack-bag rustling and crinkling. Annoying! Quit it!
I realized today that my manifestation of misophonia is when I hear WHISPERING. It drives me batshit-wild, I cannot fucking stand it, and when this whole autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR) thing got all fucking trendy or whatever? Holy wow, there were all these examples of it, people doing little mouth noises and goddamn low-talking and whispering! Jesus Christ in Stereo Headphones, I wanted to break the goddamn computer when I heard that shit, still do! Then it got hard to get away from, because they started doing it on teevee and Youtube commercials! Annoying! I wanted to take a pen and fucking stab whoever was talking, right through the computer screen into their stupid fucking face! Yeah, not pretty! I am not sugarcoating this thing, because the first rule of a Disorder is to be honest and transparent, in order to develop healthy coping strategies that do not include criminal violence!
I am not kidding, when I hear one of these goddamn ASMRs I want to kill. I want to destroy where the sound is coming from! I don’t care! Fucking stop it! Argh! I think that ASMR thing has been mostly identified as a sensual Fetish, so whatever's the fucking opposite of that, I got that.
This also totally explains why I have always for my whole adult life been Manic Movie Man! When people are whisper-talking at the movies, I always say to myself to chill, to be cool, be like a couple-three Fonzies in that famous movie.
Many times, the whispering stops, and I am OK, but sometimes it does not fucking stop, and I have this dialogue in my brain, like
Manic Movie Man: Jesus fucking Christ I can’t believe those two people in front of me are talking what’s the point of whispering the whole theater can hear this shit goddammit I am going to do a thing
Be a Fonzie: Eyyy, it’s OK, just some folks talking, it’ll be over in a sec, relax, be cool, like me, Fonzie, it’s only a movie.
MMM: WHAT THE FUCK I PAID FOR A MOVIE NOT TO HEAR SOME FUCKING IMBECILES TALK WHY ARE THEY IN THE MOVIE WHY DON’T THEY GO SOMEPLACE AND TALK THEY PAID TO SEE A MOVIE WHY THE FUCK DON’T THEY SHUT THE FUCK UP I GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS I AM TOTALLY PULLED OUT OF THIS MOVIE I PAID FOR DAMMIT MY SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF HAS BEEN RUINED WHY DON’T THEY AT LEAST JUST TALK DURING THE GODDAMN LOUD PARTS WHY ARE THEY TALKING NOW DURING A QUIET PART THE WHISPERING IS LIKE I MEAN I AM NO EXPERT ON ACOUSTICS BUT I SWEAR IT’S LOUDER THAN IF THEY WOULD JUST FUCKING TALK IN A NORMAL INDOOR VOICE NOT THAT I WOULD BE GOOD WITH THAT WHAT THE FUCK I GOTTA DO SOMETHING I AM GOING TO GET UP I AM GOING TO
BaF: Eyyy, I tried, jeez!
Yeah, sometimes I get messy, for real, I get very Yolanda from the movie and melt the fuck down and get all adrenaline-shaky like shit's gonna jump off, and then that ruins it for others at the movie, ugh. But now I know! I never realized I had this clinically identified disorder, I was never realizing that due to my unawareness it was sorta out of my control, in terms of the limited and unhealthy coping strategy I employed, i.e. eyy, be cool, just chill, it’s only a movie, and how on account of my disorder I was gonna flip my shit the fuck out anyway!
Complications social isolation, extreme trigger avoidance, relationship difficulties, anxiety (particularly phonophobia), maladaptive coping strategies (including suicidality, aggression, and self-harm)
This is good! Personal growth! No longer will I be unaware and maladaptive, coping-strategy-wise! I won’t have to torture myself in the movie any more, I can just go straight into simply anti-whispering, and telling people to fucking please be quiet, because the movie is talking! Thank you.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, April 12, 2026
★★ Even the honeylocust was putting out leaves, tiny butter-colored dots at the ends of twigs. A delivery rider in a zipped-up jacket rolled along beside one in a full winter coat. It was worth crossing the street to keep out of the shade and let the sun try to help. The pear trees were almost overflowing. A red-tail crused apartment-roof-high over Broadway, its pale plumage catching the brightness. The breeze was unpleasant, difficult as that truth was to accept under the sparkling light. A mosquito, big and sturdy as mosquitoes go, was clinging to the outside of the big window screen in the living room.
New York City, April 13, 2026
★★★★ A starling grabbed the tag on a teabag lying on the sidewalk and dragged it along. The cloudy light had made it hard to remember how to get ready for a school day. The air outside was too thick and cool to really be neutral, but it required no protective layers. Clouds thinned and thickened, letting enough light through for a while to make reading glasses unnecessary on the balcony. The leaves of the potted fig showed green in the edge of the Zoom window before the camera calculated what mattered and reframed the picture to exclude them. A crow flapped down and perched in a tree, fluffing and re-fluffing itself while a bluejay screamed at it from a few feet above. The gray gathered one more time and then gave way to white clouds in curling shapes,, which were borne off in turn before a warming wind. People were out by the stoops. Bench slats in the Park gleamed silver with sun carried on the bounce from a tower half a mile away. Some of the dense-growing yellow flowers on the ground had flung themselves wide open. Now the late day was the temperature skin wanted to be.
New York City, April 14, 2026
★★★ The first hour of daylight seemed perfect and blessed, with the temperature in the forecast set to go appallingly higher. In the shelter of the balcony, though, conditions kept feeling congenial on through midday. The direct sun out in the streets had developed a bit of a sting. A man jabbed a shrieking yard vacuum into the edges of a back garden, adding the intermittent crackle of shredding plant matter to the racket. Jackets were gone; shorts were out; a passing whiff of a reek was coming off the Pool. A yellow-rumped warbler flashed the fieldmark of its name. Knotweed thrust up like the clustered spears of some hostile and implacable host. The clatter of a shower startled everyone toward bedtime, scattering spray on the night air and stirring up the scent of wetted ground.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive!
TOM SCOCCA
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of sandwiches selected from Choice Recipes, by Order of Eastern Star, published circa 192o and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
ICE CREAM SANDWICH
(Gertrude Skelly)
Between two slices of cake place a slice of ice cream which has been molded in brick form. Serve with chocolate fudge sauce or marshmallow sauce. Use chocolate or strawberry ice cream with any white or yellow cake with chocolate sauce, and vanilla ice cream with chocolate cake using marshmallow sauce. Chopped almonds may be sprinkled over each.
If you are inspired to prepare a sandwich inspired by these offerings, be sure to send your experience and a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T.
