MR WRONG: Party down
Indignity Vol. 6, No. 32
HEY WAIT HOLD ON NOW DEP'T.
Tom Scocca
Before the next chapter drops Friday, get caught up on THE STAIRS, Tom Scocca's serialized work of fiction!
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: The Worst Part of Having to Think About Politics Is the Politics You Have to Think About
THE UNEXAMINED LIFE is not worth examining, or something like that, right? Isn’t that a famous quote? Anyway, I am always careful to examine myself, lifewise, and also for medical purposes, make sure you monitor your health, especially in this Economy!
Anyway, so I was thinking about how shitty everything is, and I don’t know about you, but I’m kinda tired of examining that stuff, it’s enough already, I mean we have to get this President of the United States (POTUS) examined, because this is some dotard stuff going on, no offense to the Elderly, but c’mon, it’s sundown and this lummox is doing giant tweets about his enemies while he’s getting our Armed Forces to blow up the world, Jesus fucking Christ, what the hell else has to be done to get some action from our elected officials? What are these people in Congress and the Senate doing, why do I keep seeing complete fucking losers get appointed to Government positions and then you see the votes and it’s people who are supposed to be keeping the Executive Branch in check and they are approving all these weirdos? Where are my Checks & Balances? I thought I learned about this shit in eighth grade!
I don’t even really understand how Government works, with these Democrats and Republicans, and what, we have maybe six Socialists in office? I can’t tell for sure with this chart, it looks like six people? What the hell?
A long time ago I was a registered Democrat, because I didn’t like Richard M. Nixon (even though I worked for his campaign), and I didn’t like Ronald fucking Reagan, a B-movie actor who was an actual Conservative party member and presented as a Republican.
I decided I wasn’t happy with Democrats and also Republicans, fuckers, and registered to vote as an Independent, political party-wise, and I was pretty happy with myself! I was like, “I don’t even fuck with these Democrats and Republicans, I am INDEPENDENT, ha!” Then my older brother pointed out that since I was Independent, that meant I couldn’t vote in the Democratic or Republican primaries, an important part of exercising the franchise, as it were. Oof! It’s a rigged game!
I moved to Baltimore, Maryland, in the United States of America, and not being a Democrat here means you are not really making any kind of a difference in the process, it’s a “blue city” or whatever, so I switched back to Democrat, but I am very Socialist-coded! Single issue voter! Health care! High taxes for rich people!
I know there’s these things called Open Primaries, and we should have ‘em, because that destroys part of the bad part of the power of political parties, but that ain’t happening any time soon, because the political parties on top right now, they do not want anything destroying their Power!
Meanwhile, I always get confused about the House and the Senate and Congress, because two of those things are the same thing and I can never remember which is which! In conclusion, I want the goddamn Government to explain itself! And I saw the fuckin’ Schoolhouse Rock! I know who that sad little scrap of paper is! It doesn’t help!
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, April 5, 2026
★ The gray-white of the pear blossoms blended into the gray-white of the hanging fog. Nevertheless birds were singing and nevertheless buds were swelling. The cherry blossoms across from the subway stairs were opulent even in the grim light, with the faintest hint of pink in their clean whiteness. The pavement down in the 70s was wet, and droplets were streaming down the parked cars. The fog had lifted off the immediate vicinity by the time the early church service let out, but the buildings downtown were entirely missing. By lunchtime things were even darker and a pelting rain came down on the middle of the day. Even when it had eased off, the Novemberish darkness clung to the afternoon. Near the end, though, the clouds had transformed from a single gray smear to distinct gray objects clustered together, opening just enough in a single spot for a glimpse of reddened gold light to glow through.
New York City, April 6, 2026
★★★★ The light was gorgeous and inviting even as people walked along dressed warmly against the temperature. It made the pear blossoms look as white as cherry blossoms. Usually unnoticeable seams and joints and bare clinging vines cast sharp black shadows on usually blank walls. Most of the street trees were putting forth their first pale fuzz of leaves to meet it. The heads of teal shimmered deep red as they steered along the wind-ruffled water. A palm warbler chased back and forth between the crabapple and the pin oak by the water's edge, firing off harsh metallic chirps. A song sparrow foraged in the mud, and quieter warblers and phoebes kept arriving among the branches. Where grass had survived on the lawns it was going from going from dormant tan to green. Hilltop elms drooped with clusters of green samaras, a crown of false foliage spiked here and there with the first sharp actual leaves. An Abyssinian-looking cat stared out through the clear plastic observing shield of a jostling body-worn carrier.
New York City, April 7, 2026
★★ Now it was just cold out under the greening branches and the clear blue sky. The wind had found some old dried leaves somewhere to throw around. It made no sense to be seeing the sunny streets through wind-struck streaming eyes, or for the nose to draw in harsh, dry air and not the breath of blossoms. Smooth, tender blades of growing grass bent to each catch a white spot of reflected sun till they looked like tiny clustered flowers on the lawn. Brave weeds were spreading up and out from where dirt had filled the cracks in bare rock. The lustrous orange-red of a koi gleamed just off the shore of the Pool, under the breaking and wavering reflection of the treetops opposite. The palm warblers fluttered and twisted in midair, flashing goldfinch gold. The outer of the turtles' usual basking rocks was occupied by a cormorant, with a white patch of guano at its feet and its crests poking up and out like devil horns, while someone sat right by the water with a long-lensed camera on it. Behind and around the calling of the birds the wind hissed through the trees.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive!
TOM SCOCCA
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of sandwiches selected from Choice Recipes, by Order of Eastern Star, published circa 192o and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
PEANUT DRESSING FOR SANDWICHES
(Maud E. Gilpin)
Three eggs
One tablespoon mustard
One heaping tablespoon flour
One teaspoon salt
One-half cup sugar
One cup milk.
Mix well together and place on stove, let come to boil, cooking slowly, take off and add one cup vinegar and butter size of walnut. Chop peanuts fine and add to dressing.
SYRIAN NUT CHEESE
(Minnie Zimmerman)
One pound raisins, seedless
One pound figs
One pound dates
One pound currants
One pound blanched almonds or any other kind of nuts.
Method: Remove stones from dates and put through food chopper with other fruits. Put almonds into boiling water to loosen skins, drain and remove skins, and put through food chopper. Mix fruit and nuts well. Press this mass solidly in a stone or agate dish and cover with a piece of clean muslin and a heavy weight. Let stand for three days. Then it is ready to slice and use for a sandwich filling or on buttered toast. Can be used as a confection if cut in small squares and rolled in powdered sugar. This is very rich so only a small quantity should be used on toast or for sandwiches. A small amount of mayonnaise will make the sandwiches less sweet and will prove very palatable.
DATE SPREAD
One pound dates
Two tablespoons peanut butter
Six tablespoons currant jelly.
Remove seeds and put dates through meat grinder. Add peanut butter and jelly; mix well. Serve either as sandwiches or on toast as with salad. Serves eight.
If you are inspired to prepare a sandwich inspired by these offerings, be sure to send your experience and a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T.
