MR WRONG: The hammer party
Indignity Vol. 6, No. 18
BUT FIRST YOU NEED TO CHECK THIS OUT DEP'T.
Tom Scocca
Before the next chapter drops Friday, take a trip down THE STAIRS, Tom Scocca's serialized work of fiction!
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: Don't Smash Yourself in the Face, Other People Want to Do That
IT’S A NICE time of year! There isn’t anything going on (besides all the bad stuff), so I enjoy this little mini-season of Nothing, no Holiday, no obligations, just days of the week, even though humans have managed to add pressure to those with like, “Hey, it is Hump Day, we got to get over the Hump,” and Friday (thank G_d), and then The Weekend,
Argh, the attendant pressure to “Have Good Weekend,” blergh! Plus now we have the Sunday Scaries on account of you are now apparently programmed to live in dread of Monday, ack!
The comic strip Garfield made a whole career outta that crap, eh?
I am sure I’m not the only person who is puzzled by a cat who knows what day of the week it is, but anyway, it’s all too much pressure, chopping the week up like this! It makes me want to go off the calendar-grid, but I can’t! I’m trapped by days of the week and numbers on the Calendar, ugh.
Anyway, like I said, right now is a fun time, for me, this time of Nothing, it is a period of rest and relaxation of my brain cells, revivifying, even. Lotsa time not-complaining about the Groundhog and Valentine's days frees up my schedule, and I can stretch out my Consciousness to think about other stuff, not just what Holiday or artificial day-name The Man says it’s supposed to be.
Earlier this week I heard about this thing I never heard of, called “Face-maxing” or “Look-smacking,” something, where some of these Influencers on the Influence-net have young impressionable dum-dums whacking themselves in the head with a hammer for cheap facial augmentation! To be more attractive, facially! Har! Like, you could get surgical implants, like they do in Hollywood, but hey, no, wait, if you do it right, you can get good cheekbones or whatever by smashing yourself in the face with a hammer! How can you make this shit up? In the words of Jesus Christ, “Jesus Christ, kid, stop turning the other cheek! Step away from that hammer!” Ow ow ow! My face! I know, it’s called “Looksmaxxing,” I just can’t take that shit seriously, I apologize to any of the ’maxxers out there, no offense, but try my new thing called Brainmaxxing, read a fucking book and stop looking at your phone at these vampires who are Walletmaxxing on your ass!
Speaking of hitting yourself in the face with a hammer, though, I bought an IKEA! Ow! I am assembling it this week, and it is a KALLAX, which is IKEA for “shelf to put your records on.” Your albums. Your LPs! Your vinyls! It’s going pretty good, I only broke one little tiny part, and I didn’t build it ass-backwards only to have to disassemble the fuckin’ thing and put it back correctly, which as any experienced IKEA-er knows is the Kiss of Death, as far as structural integrity goes. Those little Swedish pegs and screws only wanna be turned and set once! That imported particle board can’t take any reversals! Also I am starting a band called SWEDISH PEGS.
Another thing that makes me mad during my season of reparative thinking is the New York Times—which, look, I don’t think assembling an entire fucking newspaper every day is anything short of miraculous, a wonder of the modern world, an Herculean task in the manner of building a giant pyramid or something, except without using slave labor—anyway, it seems like the fucking New York Times got a press release from Dunkin’ Donuts about a new glutton-sized helping of iced coffee and they wrote it up, thinking they fucking discovered America, you know?
None of these motherfuckers have ever been to a truck stop, jeez, they have hella Brobdingnagian containers for cold beverages! 48 oz. is a sippy cup, fools!
Meanwhile, they also went and printed a thing about how the cleaning-products golem “Mr. Clean” is retiring? A fucking advertising concept is retiring? Are you fucking kidding me? This is news? Jesus H. Magic Eraser, how did this crapola make it into my newspaper of record?
I can’t take it, Make it stop! I need something to look forward to! When is St. Patrick’s Day?
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
BONUS: Here is a song (the first one) for the end of today's column that inspired a headline we didn't use! Please consider the other songs Reader Service. [Ed. note: also, for reference, the band introduces itself with a “the” in its name.]
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
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TOM SCOCCA
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of sandwiches selected from Catering for Special Occasions, with Menus & Recipes, by Fannie Merritt Farmer, published in 1911 and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
LENOX SANDWICHES
Work one-fourth cup almond paste until smooth. Add one-fourth cup powdered sugar and a few grains salt. When well blended, moisten with three-eighths cup heavy cream. Spread thin slices of buttered white bread with mixture, cover with buttered bread, remove crusts, and cut in any desired shapes — triangles, squares, finger-shaped pieces, hearts, diamonds, etc. Arrange on a plate covered with a doiley.
Almond paste may be bought in one-pound tins of any first-class city grocer.
If you are inspired to prepare a sandwich inspired by these offerings, be sure to send your thoughts and a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T.
