MR WRONG: Third place, happy place
Indignity Vol. 6, No. 16
HOLD ON WAIT A MINUTE DEP'T.
Tom Scocca
Before the next chapter drops Friday, take a trip down THE STAIRS, Tom Scocca's serialized work of fiction!
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: I Deserve a Bronze Medal in the Sport of Enjoying the Olympics
IT’S THE OLYMPICS! Are you watching any of the Olympics? I am watching, and it’s a lotta curling, eh? It’s OK, there’s other things on, Olympics-wise, but it just seems like there’s always curling, like at the diner, if it’s not breakfast, you always get a little side of slaw. You didn’t ask for it, a lotta times you just leave it there, sometimes you try it and it’s good! Nobody is making anybody have the curling, but I say give it a try.
[SPORT-SPOILER ALERT: Today’s Mr. Wrong column reveals the result of an Olympics game that is gonna be on TV this evening, so you might not want to read more of today’s column until tomorrow, hockeywise, unless you have been looking at Social Media, in which case you are probably hella spoilered. Thank you.]
I am watching the Olympics during the day, on account of I work from home, and I have the teevee going with the sound off and it’s the Olympics. I mostly watch on the Peacock channel I got for free when I signed up for Walmart’s version of Amazon, which I wanted to be good, so it would make me feel better about quitting my Amazon. So far it’s alright, but I ordered some stuff that Amazon woulda had on my stoop in a day, and it’s not here yet.
OK, so I just went to look at my Walmart order and I never ordered it. I had the whole thing set up but I didn’t know my CVV code, the three digits of numbers you’re supposed to have in addition to your credit card number and the expiration date. These sites save your fucking name, your address, all the numbers of your credit card, and then you have to put the stupid three digits. The big clue they give you is the last four digits of the credit card, and I don’t know that either! Why do I have to do this? Why are you saving any of it if you won’t save all of it? Why don’t they make the whole credit card out of black box?
And look, I don’t like to brag, but I know my whole-ass checking account number, all the digits, and the other number, the one at the bottom of the check, the tracking number, so don’t give me any shit about my brain not being big enough for the three digits of CVV, which is really seven digits because you have to match it to the credit card, plus knowing which credit card got saved to the fucking shopping site. Just save my three digits!
Anyway, like I was saying, today I watched some hockey and it was a big match, very exciting, Canada versus the United States of America. There was a power play and a penalty-kill and then it went into sudden death overtime where it’s 3-on-3, just a great game, seriously.
They showed the handing out of the medals and I have noticed, it seems to me, that the crappiest medal to get is Silver, second place. This is not a super-scientific survey, but today I watched some speedskating, and the guy who won a Gold medal was basically crying with joy, and the Bronze medal (third place) guy was super happy and congratsing errbody, and the Silver winner was not so much. Then, with the hockey, the winning teams were lined up out on the ice, and the Gold winners were all smiles, and the Bronzers were beaming and happy getting their Bronze medals, and the Silver-place players looked like they were at a fuckin’ funeral, ugh!
Personally, I think I identify with Team Bronze, it seems like if you get a Bronze medal you realize how close you were to not getting any medal, and I am not the most competitive person in the world, but if I am in the fucking Olympics, I wanna win some kinda medal, you know? I feel bad for Team Canada of hockey, almost winning a Gold, but wow, what a game, on ice, still amazes me people can fucking skate and play sports at the same time, you know?
So I am very much in favor of the Olympics, and I do get a little dewy-eyed thinking about all the teams from all the countries who get together and have sports, and get laid—c’mon, these are top athletes here, every Olympics somehow it's a big surprise that they ran outta condoms, I guess it's good press—and yeah, there’s some bad feelings, and cheaters, but overall it’s still a very positive thing for the World, in this economy.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive!
TOM SCOCCA
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of sandwiches selected from Catering for Special Occasions, with Menus & Recipes, by Fannie Merrit Farmer, published in 1911 and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
BOYLSTON SANDWICHES
Mash a cream cheese, add two and one-half tablespoons peanut butter, and work until well blended, then season with salt. Spread between thin slices of Graham bread, put together in pairs, remove crusts, and cut into fancy shapes. Arrange on a plate covered with a doiley.
If you are inspired to prepare a sandwich inspired by these offerings, be sure to send your thoughts and a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T.
