MR WRONG

MR WRONG: This triangle is for ding-a-lings

Indignity Vol. 6, No. 2

JOE MACLEOD

08 Jan 2026 — 5 min read

Dietary Guidelines For Americans. And nobody else!

BUT FIRST, BEFORE WE BEGIN DEP'T.

Before the next chapter drops Friday, get caught up on THE STAIRS, Tom Scocca's serialized work of fiction!

COLUMN DEP’T.

MR WRONG: The Government Turned Chow Time Upside Down

IT’S A NEW Year! Are you having a New Year? Happy New Year! Big fuckin’ deal, right? What changed? It’s a “new” year, bleah! Everything’s the same! Except: did you see the new Food Groups? Why do we have new Food Groups? They canceled Ridiculousness, but look at this ridiculous food-triangle!

[TOP LEFT] PROTEIN, DAIRY, AND HEALTHY FATS, [TOP RIGHT] VEGETABLES & FRUITS, [BOTTOM] WHOLE GRAINS [ARTWORK, FROM TOP: A BIG HUNK OF SWISS CHEESE, A TURKEY OR POSSIBLY CHICKEN, A BROCCOLI, A BAG OF FROZEN PEAS, SOME CARROTS, A TOMATO, A CAN OF GREEN BEANS, SOME SORTA OIL, MAYBE OLIVE, A HALF-GALLON OF WHOLE MILK, SOME HAMBURGER, A BIG STEAK, A HUNK OF SALMON, A THING OF YOGURT, AN AVOCADO, AN APPLE, A SQUASH, SOME LETTUCE, BLUEBERRIES, STRAWBERRIES, A FRIED EGG, A CAN OF TUNA, SOME SHRIMP, WALNUTS, AN ALMOND, A STICK OF BUTTER, A POTATO, AN ORANGE, GRAPES, BANANAS, A BOWL OF I DON'T KNOW WHAT, MAYBE RICE, WITH SOMETHING ON TOP OF IT, NO IDEA. BEANS! IT'S RED BEANS ON TOP OF RICE, A GIANT PEANUT, MAYBE MORE ALMONDS OR POSSIBLY PECANS, A LOAF OF BREAD, MAYBE A BOWL OF OATMEAL, AND THEN SOME GIANT BARLEY PERHAPS? I DON'T KNOW. — Look at how the stuff at the top looks more important! **Here's the whole thing**.

I declare Game, Set, and Match to how dopey the new Food Triangle is, based on them having a turkey and some cheese at the top of the upside-down food pyramid, along with a half-gallon of milk and a bag of frozen peas, har! Look, I like to eat pizza, it’s not like I’m gonna pay attention to the new Food Triangle anyway, but this is from the clown who has some sorta fixation on roadkill and giving errbody the Measles. Or is it just Measles, like how some bands don’t have a “The?” Such as Eagles, or Gorillaz, or Earth, Wind & Fire, or Pixies? Or Germs, or Dead Kennedys?

I’m already super mad at this New Year, I didn’t have any expectations, and it’s not the fault of the Calendar or whatever Time is made out of, it’s just the same fucking bad news, you know? Am I supposed to eat a steak and some milk? Again, I eat Taco Bell, so I’m not a food expert, but c’mon, we all know that people who eat not-a-lot of food and stay away from red meat and stuff, they are being Healthy eaters, and The Government having a painting of some hamburger and a can of green beans at the top of the Food Pyramid that is upside-downy is not so much.

Look at the artwork of the Food Triangle! They put a loaf of bread and a bowl of what, is that supposed to be oatmeal, and I guess those are peanuts down there? Are they fuckin’ whole-grain gnocchi? It looks like in my neighborhood when somebody scatters some bread and stuff on their front sidewalk for the birds and that one squirrel that hogs all the stuff from the birds, it’s almost like, some subliminal propaganda shit going on here to disrespect eating healthy grains, and then up above, they have a peanut in a shell that appears to be the size of a fried egg, what the fuck? And a whole thing of butter! An entire thing of butter. It should be a coupla pats of butter, like they have at the diner!

They are putting the Bad food on top, seriously, the stuff that costs the most to produce, the Beef, it’s way up top, the whole supply of stuff for the Beefs to eat, and then how they emit methane! They live a Ruminant lifestyle! Until We kill ‘em!

A cowboy rounding up cattle with an arrow to click on for "the Announcement" — **realfood.gov**

And then again, up top, a turkey or whatever the hell that thing is supposed to be, a rotisserie chicken, next to a big wedge of some hard cheese? I do not want to share a cubicle with that diet! And yeah, I eat Taco Bell! Bean burrito with extra tomato!

Alright, I know somebody is going to say it’s an equilateral triangle or whatever and so each corner of the Food Triangle is equal, but it doesn’t look equal! On purpose! It’s a fuckin’ Mind Game to make the Whole Grains look like an afterthought. Also, the title of it is Dietary Guidelines for Americans, what the fuck year is it, Nineteen Hundred and Fifty?

The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds.

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READERS WRITE THE WRONG DEP'T.

Hey just reading Mr. Wrong. You got January 31 in the lede. Rather than December 31.

Our thanks to Careful Reader Jeff A., of Washington, DC, Our Nation's Capital! We encourage correspondence any time you'd like, not just when we fuck up! Write Mr. Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.

TIP MR WRONG SO HE CAN GET A GORDITA

EASY LISTENING DEP'T.

Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive!

SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.

WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of a sandwich selected from Cassell's New Dictionary of Cookery, published in 1912 by Cassell and Company, London, New York, Toronto, and Melbourne, and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.

RICE SANDWICHES.

Take an ounce each of ground rice, flour, butter, and castor sugar, a tea-spoonful of baking powder, and an egg. Beat all well together for five minutes, then spread thinly on to a well buttered tin, and bake in a quick oven for five minutes. Turn out upon a sugared paper; spread half with strawberry jam, press the other half lightly on it, and cut into pieces as sandwiches. Arrange neatly, and scatter sugar over. Probable cost, 9d.

If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net .