Hmm Weekly for May 25, 2021

Another Week, Another HMM WEEKLY

GOOD MORNING! This is the latest HMM WEEKLY, successor publication to HMM DAILY, distributed via SUBSTACK, a newsletter delivery and reading platform.

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ADVICE DEP’T.

THE SOPHIST is here to tell you why you're right. Send your questions  to AskTheSophist@hmmweekly.com, and get the answers you want.

VISUAL CONSCIOUSNESS DEP’T.

A parking lot

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We Fed a Neural Network Several Thousand Delicious Asian Snacks and It Generated This

THOUGHT DEP’T.

Do you have a thought? Send it to hmmweekly@hmmweekly.com.

MR. WRONG: Summer of Spam

By Joe MacLeod

THE OTHER DAY I got this stupid fucking email that made me mad, it’s not anybody’s fault:

“It’s a Haute Girl Summer,” because somebody who has to get people to go to a place and spend money for Goods and/or Services came up with a Package for the business they work for and it got ran up the Flagpole and a buncha Decision Makers saluted that shit; “It’s A Haute Girl Summer.” Jesus S. Christ. Yeah, that sound has bounced around lotsa ears already, “Haute” is like “Hot,” and Hot is like Heat and Heat is a thing in the Summer, but jeepers, c’mon, why does it have to be any kind of a Summer except a Good one? Why can’t we all just have a Summer?!?

The last time I remember an annoying thing on my computer about Summer was that daffy dipshit people were laughing at who said it was “White Boy Summer.” Oy vey, what a maroon, all Summer long, eh? That went nowhere, which was good, except I guess that dope got Heat off it, and that’s all that counts, is that still a thing, “There is no such thing as Bad Press?”

Who knows where that boob got the idea, I don’t know who got ripped off for sure, and I don’t have to know, because this is all about me being annoyed about whose Summer it is! Meanwhile, whose Summer is it? All I can think is: Summer of Sam, that was an Ownership of a Summer, you could look it up! This shit needs to stop!

Also! It’s not fucking even any goddamn kind of any fucking Summer yet! This email wanted participation over Memorial Day The Wknd, and Summer doesn’t start until June 21! It’s a thing on the Calendar! Days! Years! Seasons of which to Everything There is A Season! Summer!

Look, it’s Your Summer! Most importantly—put please to yourself in my zapatas for a moment, walk over to the fridge and select a nice cold beverage of your choice—it’s My Summer! In like three fucking weeks from now! Seasonally!

If I forget and don’t see you before Summer, please enjoy Summer and a Better Summer than last time and a Good Summer and a Nice Summer and an Endless Summer and YOUR Summer, OK? Be Your Own Summer! Not Haute! Thank you.

SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.

WE PRESENT recipes for sandwiches from Salads, Sandwiches and Chafing Dish Recipes, Copyright 1916, now in the public domain for the delectation of all, written by Marion Harris Neil, M.C.A., former Cookery Editor, The Ladies’ Home Journal, author of How to Cook in Casserole Dishes, Candies and Bonbons and How to Make Them, Canning, Preserving and Pickling, and The Something-Different Dish.

LENTEN SANDWICHES
1 chopped pickled beet
3 small chopped pickles
1 tablespoonful chopped capers
1/2 tablespoonful chopped parsley
Mayonnaise dressing
Lettuce leaves
2 chopped hard-cooked eggs
12 thin slices bread

Put one cupful of mayonnaise dressing into a basin, add the eggs, parsley, capers, pickles, and beet. Spread a thin layer of this mixture over each slice of bread; dip some tender lettuce leaves into mayonnaise, lay them over six slices of the bread, and cover them with the other six. Trim the sandwiches all round, then cut into triangles and serve

LETTUCE SANDWICHES
Lettuce leaves
3 onions
3 tomatoes
3 hard-cooked eggs
Salt, pepper and paprika to taste
Vinegar
Buttered brown bread

Rub the tomatoes through a sieve. Chop the onions very fine. Mash the eggs, and add enough vinegar to make a smooth paste; then mix with the tomato and onion, and season all with salt, pepper, and paprika. Cut slices of brown bread and butter them. Lay a crisp lettuce leaf on each buttered piece; spread the above mixture over them equally, and cover with another piece of buttered brown bread. Serve on a plate covered with lettuce leaves.

LIEDERKRANZ CHEESE SANDWICHES
1 Liederkranz cheese
12 stoned, chopped olives
Small buttered muffins

With a sharp knife cut in halves the required number of small thin muffins; butter each half, and spread over a thin layer of Liederkranz cheese. Sprinkle over with olives and sandwich muffins together.

If you decide to prepare and enjoy any of these sandwiches, kindly send a picture to us at hmmweekly@substack.com.

HMM WEEKLY IS written by Tom Scocca, editor, and Joe MacMuffin, creative director. If you enjoy Hmm Weekly, please let a friend know about it! If you're reading this because someone forwarded it to you, we invite you to sign up for a copy of your own right now. Thanks for reading, and any time you want, email us at hmmweekly@substack.com.