By Joe MacLeod


The Mr. Wrong column is presented by Hmm Weekly.


I’M TRYING TO lose a few pounds, for my health, and to not have to spend money on new pants or one of those gimmicks you can put on your pants button to make the waistline more accommodating, have you seen those, the “button extender?” I put a link here so you can see this device, but I don’t get any sort of Affiliate dough from Amazon Dot Com for it, the link is provided to you, the reader of the Mr. Wrong Column, because I want to share Knowledge, that’s all, you’re welcome.

Look, I drink coffee to stay awake, and I can’t drink it black unless it’s cold, as in iced, but if it’s hot I need to adulterate it with cream and sugar, and that’s not slimming, or healthy, but I can’t stay awake sometimes!

So I put in the cream and sugar. Up until a little while ago I used to use Half and Half, which is half cream and half milk, I’m pretty sure, and both of those products come out of a bovine, specially bred and held in captivity for that purpose, to provide the dairy. Half and Half has a lot of fat in it, which is why it tastes good, and there’s also a lot of cholesterol, which is not great unless you live in one of those countries where they drink a lot of red wine and eat fish cooked in olive oil, but I live in America, and red wine gives me serious agita, I can’t drink much of it, and what fun is that, to drink something that gets you loaded but you’re supposed to drink it in Moderation? It defeats its own purpose, I think. I wish Cold Duck was good for you, it’s made out of hardly any red wine and I can drink a whole thing of it.

I keep trying other things to put in the coffee, for my health and partly because I feel bad about the cows, but then people say stuff like “Well, the cow wouldn’t have a job if we did not drink the milk,” and then there wouldn’t be any cows for milking purposes. They exist at our pleasure! I heard a thing about how if factory cows didn’t get electro-milked, they would suffer from being unable to get the milk out of their bodies but I don’t know if that’s an Urban Rural Legend. I don’t like to think about it!

Also I don’t know if cows are happy being milked, I’d like to think they are content to chew their cud and ruminate on how much they enjoy their bucolic existence, unless they are imprisoned in a factory and are unhappy? There’s all this stuff about how many Hormones are in your milk, for cow growth or something, but is there a Free-Range Cow they way they label the chickens who make the expensive eggs? I like the idea that I am buying an egg from a chicken living a life of Purpose, out there on the range, pecking at stuff, getting some bugs and interesting things to eat, you know?

The cows! I want them to be happy, but no offense, I gotta get away from their products in my coffee, so I have tried Two Percent Milk and One Percent Milk and Skim Milk, which is less Cow Milk and tastes like it, bleah! I have attempted Soy Milk (urgh), which is just depressing, when you put it in the coffee, it makes like, this gray color, right up there with what coffee looks like when you add Skim Milk, and you gotta put in two-thirds of a cup of the stuff to make a difference to one-third of a coffee! Then I have to Microwave the whole thing because it’s cold, on account of I can’t stand Cold Coffee with Milk in it, ugh!

I have also tried Soy Creamer, blurf, which is not much better than Soy Milk, except it comes in a smaller container and costs way more, and I have tried a Plant Based thing, which I have complained about in a previous space (blergh).

Right now in my fridge there are these coffee-polluting items:

  • Milk of Cow
  • Soy Milk
  • Almond Creamer (Pumpkin Spice?!?!, my wife bought it and I haven’t tried it yet)
  • Oat Milk

I think we also had some other Nut Milk or Coconut Milk (is a Coconut a Nut?) and I know that there’s no such thing as Milk from a Nut (please to make your own joke), and that Farmers who sell Cow Milk are mad and there’s a lawsuit, but it’s not like anybody who drinks this shit one time thinks it’s Milk-Milk, you know? Relax, Milk-Farmers, nobody think Cashew Milk (barf) is Milk!

Anyway, I have to say that the Oat Milk is working for me right now, especially because it’s Autumn now, which is Oatmeal Season for me, and I’m having hot oatmeal for breakfast, which is also supposed to be Healthy, and I’m dumping the Oat Milk in it, and when I put the Oat Milk in my coffee, it kinda tastes like I had some regular Cow Milk and it was in my oatmeal, and I took the leftover milk from the bowl and used it in my coffee, which I’m OK with, it tasting like Oatmeal Milk. Is that disgusting, the Mental Image of putting Used Milk in one’s coffee? Whatever, this will  all be fine until I crack and go out and buy a carton of Cream. Moo!

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