MR WRONG: Pontiff-ication
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 84
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: We Got a Pope, I Got a Column
NEW POPE, SAME as the old Pope! Like, in terms of how you call ’em “Pope,” and when you become Pope, they’ve given you a number and taken away your name, in this case now, New Pope, we got the XIV of Leos, and dude has a Twitter account.
Dude wants people to be nice to each other and stuff, people are mad already at New Pope! XIV! Obviously to make you Google the XIII Leo! My guy was half a Socialist! Here's some Pope dope from the Book of Wikipedia:
He is well known for his intellectualism and his attempts to define the position of the Catholic Church with regard to modern thinking. In his famous 1891 encyclical Rerum novarum, Pope Leo outlined the rights of workers to a fair wage, safe working conditions, and the formation of trade unions, while affirming the rights to property and free enterprise, opposing both socialism and laissez-faire capitalism. With that encyclical, he became popularly titled as the "Social Pope" and the "Pope of the Workers," also having created the foundations for modern thinking in the social doctrines of the Catholic Church, influencing the thoughts of his successors. He influenced the Mariology of the Catholic Church and promoted both the rosary and the scapular. Upon his election, he immediately sought to revive Thomism, the theological system of Augustine of Hippo and Thomas Aquinas, desiring to refer to it as the official political, theological and philosophical foundation for the Catholic Church. As a result, he sponsored the Editio Leonina in 1879.
It’s a big deal, New Pope! We even interrupted the Indignity Morning Podcast when the Pope news was announced. You should listen, it was exciting and we got to use our BREAKING NEWS sound. Also: please give us money for our good works [COLLECTION PLATE SOUND].
Tom Scocca
People were out in the parking lot in front of the Vatican waving flags, which I don't like. Why are you waving your country’s flag? It’s the fucking Pope going on here, once they Install it, no country, you’re fucking Pope of the entire Planet, ain’t got no time for this flag shit! Plus, in this Economy, who’s waving an American flag in EU-rope? Flags are dumb, enough already with the flags, rah-rah.
I think the Roman Numerals thing in Pope names is a nice detail, it goes well with Super Bowl, which, except for one year, has used Roman Numerals to give it some fuckin’ Gravitas. That would be a good Pope name, eh? POPE GRAVITAS MMXXV, that would be my Pope name. L, yeah, L. That was when they applied the Hindu-Arabic numeral system to name Super Bowl 50, because they figured “L” was too confusing. To football fans. I dunno, there’s even a football play called the “Hail Mary,” I think “L” woulda worked, fuckers need to learn some new things, you know? Even if they are millenia-years old!
Not that you asked, but I am a complete Expert on Pope, on account of I am a Lapsed Catholic who watches the Xmas Midnight Mass from the Vatican every year on my teevee! It’s free on your local NBC affiliate, you should watch some Xmas Eve, I am not trying to convert you to worshipping the Pope, it’s just trippy as fuck to see that gigantor church they do it in. For me, the eternal Paradox of Midnight Mass is: What time is it really? Each year, I choose to let it remain a Holy Mystery in my The Holidays-eggnog-addled brain. Does the Pope halt Time itself on Xmas Eve so the Faithful (and the Lapsed) can all watch together, and gaze in wonder at the crazy murals, frescoes, and statuary in the Pope-church? I mean, I def kicked in for maintenance on some of it, collection-platewise, you know? Plus I worked for free, I was an Altar Boy! (Nothing happened). I like the sound of Pope Paradox, I think I want that to be my Pope appellation. New Pope!
Look at this ridiculousness, it's like Dune! Or that Tom Cruise movie where he's trying to join the sex club!
Do you remember a couple-few, I dunno, ten years ago when we had two Popes? Twenty years ago? That was nuts, I thought we were gonna have a legit Antipope thing and a real-deal War, seriously, it was some Conclave shit, did you see that movie about the Popes? Stuff was going down, shit was gonna jump off! We’ll never know the real story, this thirst-for-Pope thing is like a Religion, you know? OK, at least a Cult? That one Pope, Ratzinger, I can’t remember his number, the Pope who got people worked up because he had some designer shoes? Fuck poverty and that vow shit, gimme the lux footwear, har! Yeah, that Pope looked like a goddamn Dracula, seriously, I was not a fan of that Pope. My theory is that Pope Dracula pretended to quit Pope-ing and then they elected a new Pope, and then the Previous (Dracula) Pope was doing some hardcore malingering, which I think is a Sin. He’s dead now, so I hope everybody is happy. New Pope!
Check out the List of Popes, lotsa wacky names! Did you know there was a Pope Lando? How Star Wars is that shit?
I would want to be Pope Grievous LXIX (or some funnier Roman Numeral), based on that one Star Wars movie where there was this robot named General Grievous, who somehow had like, asthma or a really serious and chronic lung issue, it was a weird choice, but I promise to be a good Pope and bring Order to the Galaxy! Yeah, I’m kinda over it already. What else is in the news?
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, May 7, 2025
★★★★ Dappled shadows trembled on the wall: the sun was out and shining through the leaves—the sun was out! The sun was brilliant, blinding, unimpeded. A slight breeze stirred the spider plant's fronds. Through the middle of the day, the clouds were bright and mutable, stretching and gathering into suggestions of shapes. A roach or something that moved like one, venturing out under God's eye on the balcony, tried to hide under a plastic slipper and was obliterated by its would-be shelter. A big opportunistic fly came inside while the balcony door was in use, and the cat tracked it to the hall bathroom where it could be brought down with a flyswatter. The clouds became confusing in the later afternoon, burying everything in darkness but with no rain coming and night still hours away. A gleam on a cream-colored brick wall announced that somewhere nearby the sun had briefly made it through, and then suddenly the light was slicing along Cathedral Parkway, lighting up racks of citrus outside the market on the far side of Broadway. Beyond the low-flying police helicopter the sky was full of broken white. Then there was a gibbous moon in a wide clear patch. Gray clouds lay below rosy clouds below a bright still-daylit airplane. Saxophone music drifted over a cross-street block from an open window, but it was impossible to judge which window it might have been.
THOUGHT DEP'T.
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EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast!
Tom Scocca
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TOM SCOCCA
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from Practical Cookery; A Compilation of Principles of Cookery and Recipes and The Etiquette and Service of the Table, by the Department of Food Economics and Nutrition, Kansas State Agricultural College, published in 1921, and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
SARDINE SANDWICHES
6 sardines
6 hard-cooked egg yolks
3 tbsp butter
Lemon juice
Paprika
Salt
Remove the bones from the sardines, mash fine with the yolks of eggs and the butter. Season to taste with the lemon juice, paprika and salt. Hollandaise sauce may be substituted for the butter and lemon juice. Spread between thin slices of buttered bread.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
