MR WRONG: Summery judgment
Indignity Vol. 6, No. 72
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: I'm All Heated Up About How They're Trying to Hustle Everybody Into Autumn Already
IT’S STILL SUMMER! OK? It’s not over yet! Even though there’s children going to school and college and stuff, however that works, with the ages and the grades, Back To School doesn’t mean squat, seasonwise, because where I am in Baltimore, Maryland, United States of America, I think they had the children going back to elementary school and stuff in fucking August, which I think is some sort of punishment! What did the children do, you had ’em back in school before Labor Day?
I mean, I’m no Behavioral Expert, but like, you get ’em in school, Back To School, and try to get them to settle down for some schoolin’ and suddenly you got a three-day weekend? How confused are the children on that Labor Day Monday? How sad are they on Labor Day Tuesday or whatever it’s called when you are back in the coal mines and school mines? Think of the children!
It’s bad enough to disrupt a child’s beautiful Summer of no school—personally for me, that is the best part of Summer, the no-school, yeah, and actually, my life now! No more fucking school! Forever! Rhaaah! I hate school! No offense to whoever gives a shit what I think about school, OK? Anyway!
Part of my job as the Columnist of the Mr. Wrong Column in the Advice aspect—and when that far-off day comes that I open up interviews, what I would consider to be an important qualification for whoever takes over the Mr. Wrong column when I leave, like Dear Abby and Ann Landers and stuff—is to tell the Gentle Reader that they need to get out there and have more Summer! What are you doing? We have Global Hotness now, you can still go to the beach or a swimming pool, unless some idiots closed it after Labor Day because somebody told them that’s when Summer dies! No! You have more Summer, for like a couple weeks almost!
Do Summer things that The Man hasn’t clamped down on yet! Go eat some ice cream off a truck that plays weird distorted music! Drink a refreshing beverage of your choice in a place where people stand around outside and quaff refreshing beverages of their choice! Go to some sports stuff that’s outdoors and is enjoyable because it’s not like fucking football where you go outside and freeze off your face while the players sit in heated chairs on the sidelines! I don’t like going to football games very much, and I really don’t too much enjoy sub-zero-outdoors football games, but if they had heated chairs, I might feel differently! Warmer, for instance!
Right now is a wonderful time to see a baseball game in a lotta cities, because many teams stink, and you can get cheap seats, you can just go to the baseball place and buy a cheap-ass ticket before the game, and because there’s so few people—like, there’s even people who bought tickets who just don’t show up because they’re sad about their baseball team stinking—you can go in and then walk around and kinda almost sit anywhere unless they’re sticklers, but sometimes if you just say like “Hey, I bought cheap-ass seats but could we sit here in one of these many empty nice ones?” the usher will be OK with it. Your results may vary!
Also, it’s still Summer enough (because it is still Summer) to simply be in the out-of-doors in general, walking around minding your own business, but with a Summer Attitude! Get that Summer-morning walk or outdoor-something exercise-y going before it's freezing sleet in the dark and you have to go inside to a gymnasium and be on a treadmill like a fuckin’ gerbil! No offense to any rodents! Summer is not over! Don’t let anybody try to give you a pumpkin coffee or a goddamn Oktoberfest beer yet!
Alright, let’s review: Still Summer, goddammit! Get out there! Nothing is over! Until September 22! Ugh!
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, September 6, 2026
★★★★★ Clouds were piled up in abundance with little clear blue windows between them through which full bright sun would now and then fall on the all but motionless leaves. In the depths of the cloud shade, the view out the windows made the day look dull but the sky was mutable and gorgeous. The blue expanded and some clouds that looked like kin and neighbors to the other clouds could be seen rushing past them on a whole separate plane of air. Some other white speck—genuinely indeterminate between bird and plane—flew its own third way, against all the other clouds. Sometimes a cloud would arrive that was big and dense enough to be gray, yet still on its edges there was brilliant blue, and behind it would come only slightly smaller clouds burning pure white. The five or 10 minutes spent slowly wandering the block outside the not-yet-opened restaurant could have been an hour, or no time at all.
New York City, September 7, 2026
★★★★★ The breeze was fresh and cool; the sun was clear and strong; the sky was a little hazier than a perfect blue. In the shade of the balcony, with the peace to finish a book, it seemed as if errands might be chilly, but the sun flooded the sidewalk with warmth. Light caromed around Midtown and lit up the spires of St. Patrick's above the shadowed, tourist-clogged sidewalks. The haze had given up and cleared from the blue; everyone was out in the holiday air; the counterfeit-purse sellers had their merchandise spread out on only somewhat grimy sheets. Uptown and on the other side of the English Reformation, the buttresses of St. John the Divine thrust themselves out to catch their own share of the now-lowering sun.
New York City, September 8, 2026
★★★★★ Sounds floated in on the cool air, bouncing off the receding boundaries of slumber. It was warm enough to put sunscreen on the legs and dry enough to wash the new jeans and hang them up against the day they'd be needed. The blue above the balcony acquired the faintest, slowly thickening overlay of cloud. A light but firm despair set in: here was the best, soon to be lost. High in the crowns of the parkside pin oaks a few clusters of leaves had gone bright brown. What looked like little warblers, southbound now, fluttered in the reeds by the Pool's edge, and a cluster of birders had set up at the upstream falls. Geese stalked the eastern slope above the water and their droppings fouled the path. The waterline shone silver on the rocks and a dragonfly swung up from a low stalk or branch, then swung back down again.
New York City, September 9, 2026
★★★ The air was so warm and damp it was a surprise to find it in motion, rolling across the fruiting top of the dogwood and in the balcony door. The bright morning had dimmed away to a white-gray afternoon sky with darker clouds below, but then the sheet of cloud started pulling into metallic white scalloped rows. Two men were practicing grappling on the lawn in the Park. Enough leaves had fallen on the uphill path to brighten the ground. A tiny child toddling along the hilltop grass gave a teakettle squeal. A wide blue rift snaked across most of the sky, with birds and jet planes and a reddish mylar balloon moving over it. A yellow glow spread from the west and the East Side lit up amber. People sat tranquilly on the benches at the picnic tables, even as dark came on faster and the electric bikes moved with a new aggression.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of sandwiches selected from Household Discoveries and Mrs. Curtis's Cookbook: An Encyclopaedia of Practical Recipes and Processes, by Sidney Morse, published by Success Company's Branch Offices in 1908 and now available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
Walnut Sandwiches.
Blanch and chop English walnuts. To each tablespoonful of nuts allow 1/2 tablespoonful cream cheese. Beat together and spread between thin slices of Graham bread.
Walnut-and-Cheese Sandwiches.
1/2 cupful walnut meats,
1/2 cupful Neufchatel cheese,
Dash pepper and salt.
Chop walnuts fine and mix with cheese; add pepper and salt. Spread between slices of white bread. If desired, this sandwich may be further improved by putting between the folds a crisp lettuce leaf.
Peanut Sandwiches.
Skin freshly roasted peanuts and reduce them to a powder in a meat chopper. Add salt, and mix the crushed nuts with fresh cream cheese. Spread the paste between slices of unbuttered Graham bread.
Water-Cress Sandwiches.
Chop cress coarsely and season with salt, pepper, and a few drops of vinegar. Blend with cottage cheese and spread between slices of white bread.
Tomato Sandwiches.
Slice Graham or whole-wheat bread thin, pare off the crust, butter on one side, spread with minced ripe tomatoes, drain off superfluous juice, and sprinkle with salt, pepper, and sugar. Serve at once. The tomatoes should be ice cold and minced quickly. — Marion Harland.
If you are inspired to prepare a sandwich inspired by our continued offerings, be sure to send along a description of your experience and maybe a few photos to us here: indignity@indignity.net.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive!
TOM SCOCCA
S_BST_CK IS BAD AND BAD FOR YOU DEP'T.
