Keep those sandwiches coming!


Keep those sandwiches coming!
Closeup of fully-cooked Totino's pizza rolls with the fillings leaking out

Food Friday: Totino’s Pizza Rolls Prep Tip

FIRSTLY, I KNOW! Gross! We bought a bag of them at the Price Club for the Super Bowl just to be excessive and eat Bad Food, and we were, and we are, and I am, still hitting that bag.

Totino’s Pizza Rolls are in the Hot Pockets food category of hyper-processed direct-to-the-amygdala or whatever food center thing is that houses the THIS GOOD response, I dunno, is it like the Social Media endorphins deal? Anyway, they are trash, and garbage, but the first one tastes pretty fucking awesome, and then it’s downhill from there, chasing that dragon, never quite getting enough, never quite getting what you had on that first spike.

However, I’m not gonna throw them out, they are still food, on some level! My strategy is to eat like, 12 per sitting, although the photo examples provided prove me to be a liar or worse on math than I think I am, there’s like 20 on that rack. And I ate ‘em all.

Here’s the tip: instead of using a pan, put a piece of foil on the rack and then line the Rolls up in the little valleys between each bar of the rack so that none of the Totino’s are touching. That way when they blow out from the heat (425º) they won’t end up getting all stuck together and you will be able to eat one at a time. Plus, the sheet of foil makes it super easy to just drag the whole schmear outta the oven and onto a plate in one shot.

Frozen uncooked TOTINO’S PIZZA ROLLS mise-en-place or whatever, on a sheet of foil on top of my toaster oven grill insert.

Also! Wait a coupla minutes before you tuck in, the insides of these things are wild hot and you will burn the roof of your mouth from the fire of a thousand Totino’s. My final tip is: Do not buy Totino’s unless you’re going to be serving a roomful of party-people so that you don’t have a bag sitting in the freezer and you dip into it and eat more of them. My apres-final tip is: Do not eat Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

Fully-cooked rolls on foil now on a plate
Do not eat.

We’ll leave you with a song, or a meme! A sonic realization of the experience of surfeit! Totino’s!

Half of my oatmeal purchase (5 lb.) alongside a large coffee cup for scale.

I BOUGHT WAY too much oatmeal, it’s 10 lbs. of oatmeal, I am not exaggerating. But it was really cheap! I want to use it up making cookies, so if anyone in the readership has a killer oatmeal cookie recipe please leave it in the comments or email and put COOKIES in the subject line. Results and cookies will be posted in this space. Thank you.


Food Friday: Mailbox!

From: Laura Isham

I tried the chopped egg and celery sandwich. I somehow forgot to add salt and pepper, so maybe not really authentic? I think the mayonnaise has some seasoning in it anyway, though.

I didn’t put enough mayonnaise in the first time, I think, so the second time I spread some mayonnaise on the bread to make everything stick better. I also added some lettuce the second time, since I’d already done the authentic one the day before, and I don’t think it really added or took away much from the sandwich overall.

I feel like this was a good, fairly standard egg salad sandwich.

I had these with slices of white sourdough bread from a loaf that was baked at my husband’s dentist office. I’m not sure if there’s a pattern to when patients are given a loaf—they certainly don’t get one with every visit—but he thinks they felt bad because he had to come back an extra time for his crown.

I have more photos but I’ll just send these two for now to maximize the chances of the email going through.

Subject: "at the end of the day"

Dear Sir:

I don't know from Google Ngram but I had a Kenyan friend in the mid '90s who used the above phrase constantly, like a verbal tic.

I am letting you know this seemingly irrelevant factoid because I'll bet you a dollar that it is—like "second bite at the cherry"—a Britishism via a former Crown colony.

Language is so interesting.  It's my belief that a culture can only really be known if one speaks the dominant language. Take Spanish-language TV–it's completely incomprehensible to an American such as myself, and the fact that I don't speak Spanish is a minor issue.

Colloquialisms carry baggage that a person who doesn't speak a particular language is rarely, if ever, going to understand.

But back to cherries and apples and bites. I find it really hard to believe that "second bite at the apple" didn't "catch on" until the 1980s. I'm old, and it was a common enough phrase well before then. Also, too, I'll stick with taking a second bite of an apple because it's not possible to take a second bite at a cherry—they're too small.

In re sandwiches, the sandwich recipes are my favorite part of Indignity.  The other day one of the recipes was for a peanut butter and bacon sandwich. I let out a shriek of delight because peanut butter and bacon is one of my life's great pleasures. Is it a New York thing? I dunno.  But my PB&B is easier than the recipe posted.  Make two pieces of toast (or a bagel), spread peanut butter on both pieces of toast/bagel, lay on cooked bacon strips in the volume you prefer, put the two peanut-buttered sides together, and enjoy!
—Karen M. Nevins

Subject: Spit out "a second bite at the apple"

I think the idiom is from apple bobbing, but it still makes no sense—I was never told you can only try once. You bob until you get the apple. (Pretty gross game now that I think about it.)
—Tim Marchman

Subject: Spit out "a second bite at the apple"

This posts raise another apple-related idiom which is superior across the pond! In Scotland, bobbing for apples is known as dooking (ducking) for apples. This is a crucial distinction because it recognizes that it's not the player who's bobbing; it's the apples.
—Miles Beard

Subject: Spit out "a second bite at the apple"

IF you in fact intended to use "unwonted" rather than "unwanted", genius. I just learned the word unwonted!
—[email address beginning with J]



Indignity Morning Podcast No. 233: How are the vibes?

Tom Scocca, Joe MacLeod • Mar 8, 2024


OVER AT THE, Pivot podcast, hosts Kara Swisher and Scott Galloway talked with your Indignity editor about getting sick and trying to navigate the American health care system.

A scale with a hand doing "thumbs up" gesture opposed by another hand also doing a "thumbs up" on the other side of the scale but weighing more even though they look the same

Ask The Sophist

GOT SOMETHING YOU need to justify to yourself, or to the world at large? Other columnists are here to judge you, but The Sophist is here to tell you why you’re right. Please send your questions to The Sophist, at, and get the answers you want.


WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich from The Central Cook Book: A Collection of Tested Recipes, compiled and published by Circle Number Three, Central Methodist Church, Raleigh, N.C. in 1924, now in the Public Domain and available at for the delectation of all.

Cheese Filling for Sandwiches
2 tablespoon melted butter.
1 1/2 tablespoon flour.
1/2 pint of sweet milk.
1 cup of grated cheese.
1/4 teaspoon of French mustard.

Cook to a paste, remove from fire, add salt and paprika to taste, mustard, and cheese. Stir until thoroughly mixed and smooth. Keeps a week.
—Mrs. Fred Allen.

Cheese and Nut Salad or Sandwich Filling
Grated cheese and finely chopped nuts, about equal parts, with mayonnaise or French’s salad dressing. Serve on lettuce or between slices of bread.
—Mrs. U. B. Alexander.

Equal portions of figs, dates, prunes, and raisins. Put in saucepan, add a little hot water, place on fire, stirring constantly. When of a smooth, soft consistency remove from fire. When cool add English walnuts finely cut, spread thinly on pieces of thin unbuttered bread. This sandwich is delicious with either hot chocolate, tea or coffee.
—Mrs. T. T. Wellons.

Sandwich Fillings

Peanut butter and bananas.
Chopped peanuts with banana pulp, scraped.
Hard-boiled eggs chopped fine.

Season with salt, pepper, and a speck of mustard, oil and vinegar, and a finely minced green or red pepper.

If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to


The second printing of 19 FOLK TALES is now available for gift-giving and personal perusal! Huddle up in the waning weeks of winter with a cozy collection of stories, each of which is concise enough to read while you’re waiting for the heaviest part of the rain to pass.

HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm Daily. The special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, available for purchase at SHOPULA.

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