MR WRONG: Colonnade!

Indignity Vol. 4, No. 64

MR WRONG: Colonnade!
The Liahona, by Arnold Friberg (62041); GAK 302; GAB 68; Primary manual 4-15; 1 Nephi 16:10, 26–29; Alma 37:38–46


MR WRONG: My Column About a Column About a Column About a Column   

THE OTHER DAY I read this item in TODAY IN TABS by Rusty Foster:

And finally, I’m catching strays from Hamilton Nolan today, who writes of columnists:  “The ability to succeed in this work depends not on education or intelligence or good character, but on having a particular personality type that causes you to always be thinking about stuff, along with an accompanying personality deformation that causes you to want to share those thoughts with the world.”  Tough, but fair.

Hamilton Nolan wrote a book released not too long ago, and in my estimation is a good person who is all about Labor and Unions and Fairness and stuff, and he wrote a thing in HMM WEEKLY (an earlier iteration of INDIGNITY) and Mr. Nolan also is part of the FLAMING HYDRA collective, which also includes me and the Editor of INDIGNITY.

I think that Journalism-wise, that was a pretty good setup about the thing, and about how me and Hamilton Nolan have sort of a DISCLAIMER-type relationship, so now we will dispense with Journalism and get on to my column, which is about (again), Columns! Columnist!

It’s not my fault that a thing came up about Columns right after I typed some crap about being a Columnist, making Columns, which was, let’s see, OK, two weeks ago, and also, yes, three weeks ago. This one came to me, though, it appeared in my email, and I gotta get on it while it’s still steamin’ fresh, you know?

Rusty Foster probably was “catching strays” (which I hadda go and double-check on some not–Artificially Intellectual Internet search to confirm that it’s what I thought it is, like getting clipped by a stray bullet, because I live in a Gun Culture Country), it’s a meme, even, because the TODAY IN TABS property, if it isn’t a Column, certainly resembles one, with Regularity and Topicality and stuff, see? I didn’t plan on making a Recommendation, but it is very entertaining, so, it might be the first time the Mr. Wrong column has ever endorsed a thing to read, besides The Holy Bible, of course, and The Book of Mormon, both of which you should read when you are in a hotel room if somebody left one in the drawer by the bed, and you should also take ‘em with you when you check out. They want you to! It’s “outreach” or something, right? 

The Mormon book is a lotta fun because one of the ones I typically find has illustrations in it, which is always better for me, looking at the pictures, but we’re talking about how there’s a tribe of Ancient North Americans or something, and they all kinda look like versions of the classic blonde-haired Jesus.

One of the most poignant moments in the Book of Mormon happened in 3 Nephi when Christ perceived the desires of the people that He tarry a little longer. Sensing their desire He invited them to bring their sick and afflicted to Him and He "healed them every one".    Gary Kapp began illustrating for the Church in 1963 at the BYU Graphic art department. Since then he has worked as an illustrator for the LDS Seminaries and Institutes, BYU motion picture studio, and Church Magazines. After 13 years, he began painting for major galleries, private commissions, temples and special projects.
"And He Healed Them All Every One," by Gary Kapp,
The wicked take the truth to be hard—Lehi’s sons marry the daughters of Ishmael—The Liahona guides their course in the wilderness—Messages from the Lord are written on the Liahona from time to time—Ishmael dies; his family murmurs because of afflictions. About 600–592 B.C.  1 And now it came to pass that after I, Nephi, had made an end of speaking to my brethren, behold they said unto me: Thou hast declared unto us hard things, more than we are able to bear.  2 And it came to pass that I said unto them that I knew that I had spoken hard things against the wicked, according to the truth; and the righteous have I justified, and testified that they should be lifted up at the last day; wherefore, the guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center.  3 And now my brethren, if ye were righteous and were willing to hearken to the truth, and give heed unto it, that ye might walk uprightly before God, then ye would not murmur because of the truth, and say: Thou speakest hard things against us.  4 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did exhort my brethren, with all diligence, to keep the commandments of the Lord.  5 And it came to pass that they did humble themselves before the Lord; insomuch that I had joy and great hopes of them, that they would walk in the paths of righteousness.  6 Now, all these things were said and done as my father dwelt in a tent in the valley which he called Lemuel.  7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, took one of the daughters of Ishmael to wife; and also, my brethren took of the daughters of Ishmael to wife; and also Zoram took the eldest daughter of Ishmael to wife.  8 And thus my father had fulfilled all the commandments of the Lord which had been given unto him. And also, I, Nephi, had been blessed of the Lord exceedingly.  9 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord spake unto my father by night, and commanded him that on the morrow he should take his journey into the wilderness.  10 And it came to pass that as my father arose in the morning, and went forth to the tent door, to his great astonishment he beheld upon the ground a round ball of curious workmanship; and it was of fine brass. And within the ball were two spindles; and the one pointed the way whither we should go into the wilderness.  11 And it came to pass that we did gather together whatsoever things we should carry into the wilderness, and all the remainder of our provisions which the Lord had given unto us; and we did take seed of every kind that we might carry into the wilderness.  12 And it came to pass that we did take our tents and depart into the wilderness, across the river Laman.  13 And it came to pass that we traveled for the space of four days, nearly a south-southeast direction, and we did pitch our tents again; and we did call the name of the place Shazer.  14 And it came to pass that we did take our bows and our arrows, and go forth into the wilderness to slay food for our families; and after we had slain food for our families we did return again to our families in the wilderness, to the place of Shazer. And we did go forth again in the wilderness, following the same direction, keeping in the most fertile parts of the wilderness, which were in the borders near the Red Sea.  15 And it came to pass that we did travel for the space of many days, slaying food by the way, with our bows and our arrows and our stones and our slings.  16 And we did follow the directions of the ball, which led us in the more fertile parts of the wilderness.  17 And after we had traveled for the space of many days, we did pitch our tents for the space of a time, that we might again rest ourselves and obtain food for our families.  18 And it came to pass that as I, Nephi, went forth to slay food, behold, I did break my bow, which was made of fine steel; and after I did break my bow, behold, my brethren were angry with me because of the loss of my bow, for we did obtain no food.  19 And it came to pass that we did return without food to our families, and being much fatigued, because of their journeying, they did suffer much for the want of food.  20 And it came to pass that Laman and Lemuel and the sons of Ishmael did begin to murmur exceedingly, because of their sufferings and afflictions in the wilderness; and also my father began to murmur against the Lord his God; yea, and they were all exceedingly sorrowful, even that they did murmur against the Lord.  21 Now it came to pass that I, Nephi, having been afflicted with my brethren because of the loss of my bow, and their bows having lost their springs, it began to be exceedingly difficult, yea, insomuch that we could obtain no food.  22 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did speak much unto my brethren, because they had hardened their hearts again, even unto complaining against the Lord their God.  23 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did make out of wood a bow, and out of a straight stick, an arrow; wherefore, I did arm myself with a bow and an arrow, with a sling and with stones. And I said unto my father: Whither shall I go to obtain food?  24 And it came to pass that he did inquire of the Lord, for they had humbled themselves because of my words; for I did say many things unto them in the energy of my soul.  25 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came unto my father; and he was truly chastened because of his murmuring against the Lord, insomuch that he was brought down into the depths of sorrow.  26 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord said unto him: Look upon the ball, and behold the things which are written.  27 And it came to pass that when my father beheld the things which were written upon the ball, he did fear and tremble exceedingly, and also my brethren and the sons of Ishmael and our wives.  28 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, beheld the pointers which were in the ball, that they did work according to the faith and diligence and heed which we did give unto them.  29 And there was also written upon them a new writing, which was plain to be read, which did give us understanding concerning the ways of the Lord; and it was written and changed from time to time, according to the faith and diligence which we gave unto it. And thus we see that by small means the Lord can bring about great things.  30 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did go forth up into the top of the mountain, according to the directions which were given upon the ball.  31 And it came to pass that I did slay wild beasts, insomuch that I did obtain food for our families.  32 And it came to pass that I did return to our tents, bearing the beasts which I had slain; and now when they beheld that I had obtained food, how great was their joy! And it came to pass that they did humble themselves before the Lord, and did give thanks unto him.  33 And it came to pass that we did again take our journey, traveling nearly the same course as in the beginning; and after we had traveled for the space of many days we did pitch our tents again, that we might tarry for the space of a time.  34 And it came to pass that Ishmael died, and was buried in the place which was called Nahom.  35 And it came to pass that the daughters of Ishmael did mourn exceedingly, because of the loss of their father, and because of their afflictions in the wilderness; and they did murmur against my father, because he had brought them out of the land of Jerusalem, saying: Our father is dead; yea, and we have wandered much in the wilderness, and we have suffered much affliction, hunger, thirst, and fatigue; and after all these sufferings we must perish in the wilderness with hunger.  36 And thus they did murmur against my father, and also against me; and they were desirous to return again to Jerusalem.  37 And Laman said unto Lemuel and also unto the sons of Ishmael: Behold, let us slay our father, and also our brother Nephi, who has taken it upon him to be our ruler and our teacher, who are his elder brethren.  38 Now, he says that the Lord has talked with him, and also that angels have ministered unto him. But behold, we know that he lies unto us; and he tells us these things, and he worketh many things by his cunning arts, that he may deceive our eyes, thinking, perhaps, that he may lead us away into some strange wilderness; and after he has led us away, he has thought to make himself a king and a ruler over us, that he may do with us according to his will and pleasure. And after this manner did my brother Laman stir up their hearts to anger.  39 And it came to pass that the Lord was with us, yea, even the voice of the Lord came and did speak many words unto them, and did chasten them exceedingly; and after they were chastened by the voice of the Lord they did turn away their anger, and did repent of their sins, insomuch that the Lord did bless us again with food, that we did not perish.
The Liahona, by Arnold Friberg (62041); GAK 302; GAB 68; Primary manual 4-15; 1 Nephi 16:10, 26–29; Alma 37:38–46

However, also, unlike Jesus, who traditionally has kind of a distance-runner physique, the Ancient North Americans are powerfully built, very brawny, like the paper towel lumberjack, is that still around, for BRAWNY paper towels? 

BRAWNY paper towel package with a red-shirted lumberjack-looking guy and the art is cropped so you don't see the guy's head above the filtrum

I just looked, and it’s around, but they cut off dude’s head! On a positive note, there’s a little more Representation going on with the deployment of women Brawnys, but the top of their heads are also cut off.

Images of an assortment of BRAWNY packaging featuring women and the art is all cropped so you don;t see their heads above the filtrum
CMA Brand Presence and Design

I think they had a Brawny mascot-guy for so long, and it was kinda 70s-looking stuff, like for Newport cigarettes.

A rugged seafaring man in a watchcap with a NEWPORT cigarette in his hand alongside the caption "Welcome aboard." with the sea in the background and a pack of Newports in the foreground.

A vigorous-looking dude of Action with a moustache, so they’re trying to get away from that, a little at a time, whittling away at the human aspects of the BRAWNY image. 

A rollof BRAWNY paper towels featuring illustration of large white man and the towels are labelled WHITE

Also though, I mean, BRAWNY. WHITE. Gotta freshen up the wording!

An isolated section of BRAWNY artwork featuring a 70s-looking dude with a moustache and the label reads BRAWNY PURE WHITE

OK, I get it! Switch it up!

Same illo of the guy but this time on a roll of paper towels and the labelling reads "BRAWNY PICK-A-SIZE BIG ROLL with Thirsty O's For Brawny Messes!"

Yow! This one might make it back, “Thirsty O’s!” A Thirst Trap for spills! Yikes! The cut-off-head shop towel product packaging is fun though. Kaboom!

A box of BRAWNY PROFESSIONAL shop towels in a box where the towels pop up out of the top and it looks funny with the package art of a BRAWNY man and the top of his head is cut off and the shop towel appears to be erupting out of dude's head

I wonder what BRAWNY MASCOT will evolve into, in order to embody the BRAWN of BRAWNY? An animal? There’s already those ass-wiping shit-bears for that one toilet paper brand, so it can’t be a goddamn bear because they shit in the woods and then constantly congratulate themselves for wiping their asses and show you their TP and you know they’re proud of the whole process, Jesus Christ, fuckin’ scat-bears.

A package of CHARMIN ULTRA STRONG CLEAN TOUCH toilet paper and there's art of one of the TP bears proudly holding a stretched-out length of TP

OK, anyway, yeah, I didn’t read it, the whole Hamilton Nolan article, but I agree on the part about how the work (har!) does not depend on education and intelligence and good character! However, when they go “personality deformation,” hey, I resemble that remark! Columnist! How dare you! Meanwhile, who asked you, about your thoughts, eh? Who’s deforming whom, hah? 

Hamilton Nolan, welcome! You are kinda being exactly a Columnist, getting a Column outta some stupid shit Pamela Paul pooped out on her page!

The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong:

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Indignity Morning Podcast No. 253: Salty pellets.

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WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of sandwiches from New Presentation of Cooking with Timed Recipes, by Auguste Gay with the collaboration of Anne Page. Published in 1924, and now in the Public Domain and available at for the delectation of all.

For each sandwich
2 slices of buttered pumpernickel bread
2 slices of smoked salmon

Put one slice of salmon on each piece of bread. Put together, press lightly and serve.

For each sandwich
2 slices of buttered bread
4 radishes
2 slices American cheese

Slice the radishes. Put one slice of American cheese on each slice of bread, and arrange on top of them the slices of radish. Put slices together and press lightly to make them stick.

If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to 


The second printing of 19 FOLK TALES is now available for gift-giving and personal perusal! Sit in the strengthening sunshine with a breezy collection of stories, each of which is concise enough to read before the damp ground seeps through your blanket.

HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm DailyThe special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, available for purchase at SHOPULA.

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